Page 16 (1/2)

Leave Me My Happy Fantasy, That&039;s All I Ask

I hesitated within my stomach Yesterday&039;s session had been horrible - e I didn&039;t want a repeat of that day I didn&039;t want to confess any more of my secrets to the person on the other side of this door Of course, I did still have a couple more weeks left of sessions and if I ever wanted back into the purity club with Sawyer, I had to do this As my hand sloisted the handle, I wondered if that was even the reason I still kept co here day after day

I opened the door and stepped through, the fa tocoy hair ept up in a clip and only a few loose curls brushed her shoulders Her ice blue eyes war me and she motioned to the chair on the other side of the L-shaped desk that lanced at the co her screen saver of colorful lines twisting and bending in on the turned inside out It re here, like every session was turning some piece of me inside out, and eventually I&039;d just be a oo on the carpet

"Hello, Lucas"

Her warht me back to the moaze I sed a sudden bundle of nerves and noddedback to her She looked over htly Almost immediately the frown vanished and she started in on the easy to answer questions, loosening me up

When I feltthe conversation to harder questions, questions I didn&039;t want to answer "How have you been feeling lately?"

I shrugged "As well as I usually do, I guess" She raised her eyebrows atme to expand on that I shookht of Lillian "I actually woke up happy todayreally happy" I didn&039;ttruly, purely happy at least once today, was pretty iht so as well "That&039;s great, Lucas" Her face brightened as she said that and I could tell she really ht?"

The smile immediately fell off my face I felt that knot return and I shook my head no I&039;d let tooout She frowned as she looked over ht? To tell her about your day maybe?"

I sed That was exactly what had happened last night We&039;d talked while we&039;d danced I&039;d told her everything that had happened toinperson My hopes, s I wanted for her and me She&039;d listened and smiled, only a trace of sadness in her features when I talked about what life could be like for the two of us - together forever in ain and Mrs Ryans co down at her desk, she twisted a pencil in her hands After a aze, I looked away "Luc, I&039;d really like to help you You can talk to me about herit&039;s okay"

Quietly, I said, "There&039;s nothing to tell II didn&039;t see her" I sed again and risked a glance back at her She didn&039;t appear to be buyinga need to turn the conversation, I told her, "I asked Sawyer to the dance"

She blinked at rin lit her face "That&039;s wonderful, Lucas Truly, wonderful I think you guys will have a great time"

I srin plastered o I&039;, but the look on her face when I asked her" I laughed and slowly shookatthat look"

I raisedwarht a stupid dance would be so ilows" A soft chuckle escaped ht e&039;d discussed flower choices She&039;d settled on a corsage of daises, of all things

A soft chuckle escaped her as she looked over irls do like dances I&039;m sure you and Lillian went to a few?" I absent about the way Sawyer&039;s eyes had lit up when sheby the diner so my mom could see us all decked out

I heard her ask her next question and foundit instinctively "I didn&039;t know I&039;d be going along with your crazy plan when she caht, but, no, Lillian will be fine with it She wants me to be with Sawyer" I froze as what she&039;d asked finally filtered into my head She&039;d asked if Lillian had had a probleirl I&039;d been thinking about other things and had answered reflexively She&039;d just set a word trap for ht into it She&039;d coht" She kept her face and voice neutral, but I thought I could hear concern in it

I shook my head "I don&039;t want to talk about her She&039;s not a part of thisof h at school, which is why I&039;m here" My tone was insistent and desperate I wanted to stop all these side conversations we&039;d been having None of thes

She shook her head at me "Lucas," she said softly "I told you before, that is what you did to get hereit&039;s not why you&039;re here"

My face hardened "Yes, it is The only reason I&039;et back into the club I&039;ot busted"

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest "And why do you want back in the club?"

I frowned "BecauseII want tohelp outthe school"

She raised an eyebrow ata part of this school, of being a part of this cohed, knowing I needed to fess up "To be with Sawyer"

I shrugged and she nodded, like she knew that "Butyou don&039;t want to be with her " I shook ue and she quickly amended "As more than a friend You want to maintain that distance because of Lillian Because in your uilt and shame andneed, won&039;t let you release your friends You&039;re holding on so tightyou&039;re drowning You speak to no one You barely look at anyone You disassociate froed youand you&039;ve done nothing Your body is still in this worldbut you&039;re slowly leaving it Do you see how it&039;s connected? Do you see why you&039;re really here?"

My face pale, I hed "A part of you wants to reconnect, Lucas A part of you wants to be with Sawyer A part of you wants to belong to this world A part of you wants to live, Lucas You just have to be willing to let that part out"

I didn&039;t knohat to say to that, so I said nothing I did nothing I stared over her shoulder at her coain I felth at my reaction I wasn&039;t sure what she wanted froive her today She seemed to understand that, and the re andone word anshen it was appropriate

When our time was up, she walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder "I know your required ti you" She sly while my heart dropped "I&039;d like to help, Lucas"

I stood up, saying nothing, but thinking, &039;not a snowball&039;s chance&039;

I left the roo an "event" day,other clubs and sports practices to recruit more members It was al though; the club had tripled in size since Sawyer and I had joined at the beginning of school

I found they ridiculed by said players behind their backs But, not by all of thehtful expressions and kept the shirts, slinging theylances atadvertisement to join the club &039;Don&039;t let this happen to you&039;

I sighed and rolled my eyes I spotted Sawyer ain Sally was short and wide, with frizzy hair in a nondescript brown color Her style was kind of granola, like she probably was also in the Save the Earth club But she had one of the nicest s ti Sawyer laugh though, so I instantly liked her

I oodbye and leave the gyhere wasin a club activity or not I wasn&039;t welcome to join, but I wasn&039;t sure if I was "banned" either Sally only gave h I saw the tightness in the sing around, but was nice enough to not say anything directly to me

I looked away and muttered, "Ready, Sawyer?"

I heard her stand and cheerily say goodbye to Sally She was still buzzing about the dance and they&039;d apparently been talking about it As she hopped off the bleachers, I glanced back at Sally She nodded politely at me, but had on odd look on her face - al Like she understood how hard things were for me, but still didn&039;t like me or what I&039;d done I could understand that

As Sawyer and I walked away, I shook ht and instead of my usual answer of fine, I told her that Sally didn&039;t like ave her a blank look "She said that"

She frowned and her eyes shifted to the corners as she ran through past conversations in her head "Well, no, not outright" She looked back to h"

I sliked "That&039;s because she likes you, Sawyer" Pointedly I said, "Believe me, she doesn&039;t trust oing with someone else to the dance, you&039;d see it She&039;d probably do cartwheels"

She sighed as she opened the gyhed as I followed her out "So you keep telling o to bed after Sawyer left for the night I desperately wanted to see Lil Wishing for bedtily slow Especially since Mo and I had no one to helpinto bed at six and staring atsleep to clai an A my promise to Sawyer and her face e&039;d talked about it, I didn&039;t

Eventually my body did succumb to slumber and I drifted away to unconsciousness I floated in a hazy real where I was or when I was or even what I was Thenof cool air brushing acrossunder my shoes I s in the distance I smiled as I realized where I was

I turned and behind ular paved driveway, a basketball hoop proe The house had seen better days, but busy parents with two rambunctious boys had made home repairs fall by the wayside Two rambunctious boysand me, I suppose, since I was as much a part of this household as the actual sons, Darren and Josh

I looked over the house, re I hadn&039;t been to the home in real life since the accident Darren&039;s family still lived there, I just wasn&039;t welco at the picture perfect memory I&039;d created, I smiled as I took in the second story ith a shutter , pulled off the decorative wood as they both turound They&039;d never repaired the , using the money to repair Josh&039;s arutter, half pulled away from the home by Darren He&039;d been convinced he was Spider up the house to prove it to me, since I&039;d said he was full of crap He&039;d realized he wasn&039;t, the ht and he&039;d fallen heavily to the ground, twisting his ankle

I took in the other features I kneell, as well as my own home The worn spot on the first floor roof that we&039;d created fro froarage door where Darren had accidently backed his Geo into it The long scratch along the side of the house that Darren and Josh hadtable down the narrow rosebush-lined path that led to the front door The only thing they&039;d successfully done that day was scratch the home and trample some of their mom&039;s beloved flowers

No one in the house had been happy that night Still, I&039;hts over the one night I had given her ht about the last time I saw her It was at Darren&039;s funeral She wouldn&039;t even look atmyself to talk to her, her or Darren&039;s dad I&039;d watched the how much they hatedless than loathing for me

It had certainly been that way for Lil and Sammy&039;s parents Sammy&039;s mom had slapped me at her funeral My mom had nearly slapped the woman back, but she&039;d broken down into sobs and had to be carted off by Sammy&039;s older brothers The entire fa after

Lil&039;s parents had also inally moved out here fro to hold any anger, just regret They&039;d regretted bringing her out here in the first place They&039;d regretted fostering our relationship And they&039;d regretted trustingher father had said to me was, "How could you not beevery day, I could only hang my head at him and say, "I don&039;t know" Her parents had left with her baby sister not long after The only ones left were Josh and his mom and dad I didn&039;t see the latter two people; we all avoided anything thatus into contact with each other As for Joshwell, hiraduated

A voice in front of me snapped me out of ht as a basketball headed forto Darren in front of hed as well and bounced the ball a couple times He squatted to defend the basket behind hi the ball froood to see you"