Page 13 (1/2)

Friendships

Sawyer and I did so that weekend that we&039;d never done before - she came over and atched a movie Her parents had indeed relaxed her rules around me, since I&039;d sworn to not have any interest beyond friendship with her I&039;d like to think that the decision was partly because they trusted Sawyer as well She was the most trustworthy person I knew, and I really couldn&039;t see what she could have possibly done toit up while we sat close together onsorocery store before co over I wasn&039;t really interested in theoff Matthew McConaughey&039;s bare chest than any actual plot, but I was interested in spending ti to myself

We sat practically on the sa around her shoulders She had her feet up on the couch and angled her knees intoon my shoulder If her dad had been here, he probably would have revoked her visitation rights immediately; we did look a little too cozy for platonic friends But that was just the ere We enjoyed the coether, we often relished in it

My thumb stroked her upper arht about what to say to her I wanted to knoas so mysterious I wanted to knohat she&039;d done that had uprooted her family and practically put a leash on her I also wanted to respect her silence

And Lord knows, I wasn&039;t the most vocal one about my own secrets I never talked with her about the crash In fact, I never even brought up that night with her The few instances she&039;d caughtabout it, were really the only times it ca to push that part of ood parts, the happydrea withthehtly And Lillianshe hadn&039;t reappeared to me yet, but I was ready for her to, ready to tell her I loved her Maybe speaking of having a girlfriend out loud during Thanksgiving dinner, had finally broken through that last barrier in me I was ready to move forwardwith her

And I ell aware of the oxyirl wasn&039;t actually possible But it was real enough forhad created and I was going to greedily fill it with her ethereal presence Once I got her to reappear toto Sawyer about herbut I couldn&039;t There&039;d be no point in that I knew exactly what she&039;d say, exactly what anyone would say - &039;That&039;s crazy, Luc That&039;s not a real relationship&039; And Sawyer , &039;Is that why you won&039;t be with irlfriend and living out your fantasies with herin your dreams?&039;

My sto Sawyer say those words I knew the situation would hurt herand I didn&039;t want to do that She ether, not in school, and not under the pretense of "ho the other&039;s desire for privacy And I loved every second of it, regardless of that ridiculousfun at herto pick the next one, I parted ith her a couple of hours later A few hours after that, after having a late dinner with my mom, who&039;d conveniently "run errands" while Saas visiting, I headed off to bed, hoping to meet up with the other woed to bring myself back to that field just beyondbrook beside it The air arht breeze ruffled my messy hair It was sort of idyllic and I was proud of ed to bring the bed back

I sat on the edge of it and waitedwaited for her to come to me The sky darkened and I momentarily worried that I&039;d lose control and it would start raining, I didn&039;t want to drea that they open back up and drench ht shaft hit me in the face and I blinked, suddenly blinded

"Iood at this"

I shtat the side of the bed in front of me Only, it wasn&039;t Lillian My eyes opened wider as I took in the auburn hair glea so hard on Lil, that I really hadn&039;t expected to see anyone else In my surprise, I lost control of the one aspect of the drearound as the bed underneath runted as I landed painfully onas she looked down ather head, she extended a hand and helped me up She pointedly looked at the spot where the bed had been "Not who you were expecting?"

I shook awayNo, not who I was expecting, but a welcoardless "Hey, Saht "Hey, Lucas"

We broke apart and she looked around at the ro I&039;d provided I looked around as well and felt ; Sammy knew exactly what had happened here, in rinned when she noticed , she lightly shoved my shoulder away from her "I don&039;t think you and I will need it, but ain and the radiant warmth in it eased my discohs had tapered back

She sighed and kicked a rock in the grass "Ah, Lucshe wanted hed and sat down at the kitchen tablethat was suddenly in the field where the bed had been a second ago "About what, Sa the other chair, she walked around to my feet and squatted down in front of me She picked up both of rasped them "You need to stop this, Lucas"

I stiffened and shookto hear another friend ask ed and suddenly felt very alone "Don&039;t you guys want to see me?" I knew my voice was small and pathetic, but I suddenly felt that way

I looked at my lap and felt one of her hands release mine to cup my cheek "Of course we do, Lucas We want to see you We&039;d see you very night if it were up to us"

"But" Ito do what&039;s best for you And this," she waved her hand around the dreaht"

I shook my head "It&039;s just a dreas me couysand Lillian"

Her hand returned to my hand in my lap "Because it&039;s not just a dream to you, it&039;s not just co would lead toaveto continue the relationship you had with her, in your head Advance it even"

I shook ain "I just want to tell her that I love her I&039;ed my shoulders laot to"

Sa it down my face "She knows that Do you honestly think she didn&039;t know that?"

I closed my eyes at the reference to Lillian in the past tense Tears started to burn them and I sed harshly She wasn&039;t past tensenot here Here, she was alive Here, she was real "I want to see Lil now, Sammy," I scratched out, my voice raith barely contained e and openedit around to rabbed my hand, much like Saould have "I&039;ht"

I squeezed her hand as my eyes watered even- Sammy, Lillian, my dreah "She won&039;t appear to you tonight, Luc As hard as you try, it won&039;t happen" She lifted just one corner of her full lips "It&039;s ainstmy head over to Sa any day She leaned her head against mine and murmured into my hair, "Are you disappointed that it&039;s just me?"

I raised my head to look at her "No, no of course not, Sammy" I sed and looked down "I justLil and I&039;s last moment didn&039;t end well, and I wanted to talk to her about it"

She sighed and clenched my hand "I know Your last few ged and looked away There was nothing I could hide froetting intoyou not to, would be just as ridiculous as asking hi hed a little and shook her head "I would give you the privacy if I could, Luc, but you know I don&039;t really have a choice" Her finger caot the reference All of this was in ave her a wry s Sa secret We both knee loved each other; we just couldn&039;t seeht about that "Darren does have a point, you know, about you pulling us to you" I looked at her fro hed and raised her chin from my shoulder "We love you, Luc, but you can&039;t have a life like this, always living in your head with us" Her knuckle came up to stroke ave her a tired suys don&039;t seerasp I don&039;t care I don&039;t care about that life I want you guys I wantyou and Darrenand Lil"

"You can&039;t keep havingintense olden eyes narrowed at loith the life I so readily re her feel really guilty" She shrugged while I frowned "She feels really bad about the moments she&039;s already let happen"

My irlfriend feel bad, by touching her "She&039;s feel badwhy?"

She sighed and shook her head, like she was speaking in a foreign language to someone who couldn&039;t understand And in a way, I didn&039;t What rong withan active fantasy life withanyone No one even kne often I hung out with the I wanted was right here Well, besides Sawyer, I guess She was the only thing worth getting out of bed for

"Because she wants you to move forward She sees how you isolate yourself and shut down, barely talking to anyone, not saying nearly enough to your counselor" She raised her eyebrows and looked at me pointedly "If it weren&039;t for Sawyer, I think you&039;d be ht playing across the field I briefly wondered if I should make it rain anyway It wouldto say," I said flatly

She sighed heavily and I looked back at her Her broas creased with definite irritation It was an odd look to see on Sary "You&039;re not the same person, Lucas"

My own irritation spiked "Of course I&039;m not I killed all of my friends - do you have any idea what that did toback to my cheek "YesI do"

As her thumb stroked hed softly and shook her head, slight tears stinging her eyes "I&039; I could go back into the dream and twist it the way I wanted to, twist my friends the way I wanted to But then it would be completely false If I made my friends do and say what I wanted theone I closedif I was coet up and start getting ready for Mondayback at school I showered, shaved and dressed in a long-sleeve tee and baggy jeans I was styling ht e of the four of us Things had been so different then Darren and Sa to convince Lil and me to road trip to LA over the summer We probably would have We probably would have all piled into Darren&039;s car and made a memory that would have stayed with me &039;tilimpression on me, just not quite in the way I&039;d expected

"Luc?"

I turned to look atat the picture one last ti atreflection, I heard her tell me that she&039;dher own tired eyes

I walked over to her and slung ether to the kitchen to start ourritual She smiled up at me and patted my chest When it was ready, we drank our coffees in silence,over the dream with Sammy, while Mo startled lanced over ather watch and I could al the minutes I looked over at the clock, but neither one of us were late for our days

"You okay, Moetfor so is fine, honey" She stood and kissed ood day, Luc"

I nodded and wished her the sa before I slipped on my jacket, I wished my moe look on lances at me the entire drive to school Once in the lot, she finally twisted to face me as she shut the car off "You okay, LucI mean, really okay? You seemquiet" She cocked her head to the side, her silky hair shifting to flow over the shoulder of o of the night I&039;d had, and threw on ether and I thoughtit off very well I shook my head "I&039; at her concerned face, I ended up saying, "Just a weird drea to process it"

Her face softened "Oh Do you want to talk about it?" She placed her hand over mine and rubbed her thumb across the back

I smiled at her warmth, but shook my head She wouldn&039;t understand "No" I looked down and peeked up at her froht h of it, to talk about it"