Page 29 (1/2)

He blinks "Through the living roo "It’s the second door on the right"

I wander through his living room, which is sort of quaint and cozy, and down the narrow strip of hall with doors that offshoot into bedrooms, closets and bathrooms The room opposite the bathroom catches my attention It’s unmistakably Jake’s room, from the clothes piled on the floor to the un me from the kitchen He’s not

I cross the hall and enter his room

You can tell a lot about a person froure The posters on the wall make Jake’s homesickness more evident than he ever would There are no declarations of love for a particular band or s in a city by the sea Iover his desk and study the photographs tacked to it Jake is in every single photo, naturally, and he’s always surrounded by people and he always looks happy I lean forward and peer at a photo of hi are his parents, pre-divorce

He looks a lot like his mom

"My yearbooks are on the bookshelf, if you’re curious And, uh, that’s my underwear drawer over there and of course there’s my closet Snoop away"

I try not to let on he’s startled ht behind me, really close "You never answeredme questions?"

"Have to fill the moment somehow," he says

I turn We’re close Like, I Could Kiss Him close I skirt around him and sit on the bed He sits beside me and clears his throat

"I just wonder what you’re punishing yourself for, that’s all," he says

"I" I clenchintoand I kneas really wrong while I was doing it and I did it anyway"

"It happens"

"Not to ht But I don’t want to cry in front of Jake because there’s nothing in it for ets by me "I’m sorry"

Goddammit

"You should be"

If my life were aand tell Jake to stay away from me or he’ll just end up hurt or dead and, I don’t know, maybe we’d kiss and try it anyway But as fast as the tears come, they stop

"Was it when--" He clears his throat "Was it when you tried to kill yourself?"

I don’t say anything

"I mean as that like?"

I snort "Well, it was obviously a very happy period inwhat?"

"Snapping your fingers" I look down Sure enough, I’rabs my hand Holds it I try to act like it doesn’t bother etting more and more aard There are hours until toot the hell out of Corby," I say after a minute I’ve never talked about it like this before "And I got a big bottle of booze and a big bottle of sleeping pills And I downed both And then I got found And then I got my stomach pumped"

"How close were you?"

"I don’t know"

Not close enough

The phone rings from some other room Jake clears his throat and the moment is over I wonder how people lived with each other before they could learn to count on these types of inconveniences

"I should get that," he says

He leaves the room and a minute later his voice wafts into the bedroo to do, so I start rifling through his nightstand I wouldn’t do it if I knew he’d have a probleh drops, condoets back, my hands are folded in my lap He stands in the doorway, a silhouette

"Parker, why are you here?" he asks

"Do you want o?"

"No, no It’s--" He steps into the roo why you’re here I lad you’re here, but--"

I kiss him then, not to shut his like I’lad you’re here to me anymore, which is mostly my fault, and I don’t know, I don’t want to keep co back to hiet this part over with

Jake kisses back His lips are soft My fingertips drift over his cheeks and I want this and I’ht up in how nice he feels and how nice he s me, I can almost pretend it’s okay that I want this

It’s okay to want this Everything’s

His mouth lad I’m here," I murmur

"What?" His voice tickles ," I say, and his lips are ondown, but we’re lying down

His hand slides up ers dance around my skin, unsure, before his hands are all over me and mine are all over him and I half-expect to check out, but I’ry and forced It’s terrible in its gentleness and he’s just wasting it on ?"