Page 41 (2/2)

I think of Graham Graham, who cannot be mine "No, there isn’t But that’s really not the point"

"Then what is the point?" He tips ain

My chin tre over onto his hand "The point is, I’ to settle for less than I want, less than I deserve Brooke trusted you, and you abandoned her--and yes," I say before he can object, " to handle the situation at the tiaveyour way through the rest of the cast like ive you, because I’ I’et up and leave his roo from head to toe He doesn’t speak, doesn’t follow, but I can’t unclench my shoulders until I’m in ht and fall onto the bed, crying and dialing

"E ten times better the ins the sa dinner Within a week, it’s a cocktail before dinner, and wine during And then soht hours, it’s all over

Soon and some people fall My mother simply climbs down, calmly and with the same resolve under which she’s checked herself into rehab three tiet help hen she’d discovered she was pregnant, but she lost the baby during that first cut-short stint of rehab When she caularly because otherwise she did nothing but cry, no one blamed her--not her ten-year-old son, not her husband, not her et her to go back and get the help and counseling she needed to deal with her grief, but Moo back Her refusals are never loud and enius, really She never constructs an argureeh

Whether fro up her to own expectations of being the perfect daughter, Mom tried rehab for the second ti on location--the one Dad was happy He thought she would kick her addiction and all would be ith the world and the Alexander family

Clearly that was a stretch

I don’t reain that time, just that I had already started by then I felt better that she was, too, for some irrational reason

Brook and I had broken up--exploded,on nant, I told her, "What’s it to me? Sounds like your problem" I was utterly convinced it wasn’t mine I’m not sure now, not that it h, she ed to be stunned when I went out with John on ot so loaded that I’m not exactly sure e did after some point That’s the first and only tiony at John’s place,with no idea why

According to hiuys pulled an SUV under a fire escape, cli, screwed around (particularly horrifying considering I was drunk enough not to remember any of this) and then atteht at the end and fell on top of the SUV, but see as evidence the fact that I was laughing the whole tieon had to operate to rements, set it correctly, and insert a o in to have the rod reo--I kid you not--to hand therapy twice a week for I don’t kno long

Days after that little mishap was the first time I came hoh the holidays this time, but she couldn’t make it pastho it to dinner here and there,weekend appearances Once the relapse occurred, those changes ca halt

Way to be supportive, Dad Everything back to normal, whatever the fuck that is

Emma

While Dad orders coffee drinks, I fantasize about ers are numb from the unexpected cold that is April in NYC, and I crave the latte aswarmth of the cup as for the caffeine the double shot of espresso pro used to after a lifetime in California; very little resembles my suburban hometown--the local dialects, the crowds, the weather I reinal idea

As I glance around looking for an open table, I see a tiny girl wearing a hts with a pink tulle tutu The jacket hangs past her knees, and her s froh she has no hand at all is a wooden stick with a glitter-covered star and streamers attached to the end of it She skips around her table twice, sits down, and is up again five seconds later, skipping in the opposite direction, her short hair bouncing up and doith every step

My eyesI blink, because the irl turns to look at me They have the saht and strawberry blond, where his is wavy and dark, though I remember that in the sun it would be reddish I remember, too, that Graham has two older sisters This must be a niece

I haven’t seen hiht about hi what are the odds? I feel an uncharacteristic shyness with hi while I was in Austin, shared aspects of my life that only Emily had been privy to before him And then it was over

I’m struck then by the fact that I still don’t knohy he ever kissed me, or why he pulled away from me after I assume he withdrew because of a relationship with Brooke, because of my very public kiss with Reid Yet we became friends, apart from the two of them Apart from that kiss ina slice of cheesecake on top of his coffee, taking advantage of being several thousandthe vacant table next to Graham, he makes a beeline for it

"Hey," Grahalas?" Graha the table and presses her face into his side