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be irritation or pain

The doctors yel at her in attempts to provoke a response, and Mom sits stoical y, while I can barely stand to watchshe ht respond to my voice

"Deb, can you hear me?" I say, and they insist louder, louder "Deb, can you hear , but the volume only makes her recoil, and I run fro for breath and slu tears I bury htmare, and I could just wake up

Myher arain" I let o This embrace is for me, and I want it desperately even while I berateon Mom for comfort She doesn’t need me to break down and add to her burden

Bradford re that wil last He and Deb weren’t e Excluded fro her care except where his opinion is quietly sought by my parents, he has no official place in her life--

this woman he wanted to marry, the person hom he intended to link his future As Mom and the chaplain prayed over her stil for rief nosis The girl we love is not co reality with Moh she’s capable oftoday, sweetie? Looks like your hair is growing back in--tily over the sparse spots on Deb’s head asMom chatters on about the weather and I fade fro people yel at et a response

When I’m home in LA, I see s e, though we skirt sensitive subjects like ly unlikely recovery Two o, I confided in ed my independence, but they were always there

Now there is no hand to steady ht it was possible to be

"Dori is such a little rock for Doug and Jocelyn," I overhear Mrs Perez tel Mrs K one Sunday "They don’t have to worry about her fal ing apart"

Too late, I realize what th costs me

I’ve becoes When I reach for theh

There is only one exception--Reid

I can’t explain it, but whenever I catch sight of hiazine cover, I’m connected to my former life, my former self, even if it’s just for a moment I’ve ra rapidly between channels in the first two minutes My pulse quickens when he appears in the teasers, like a et a treat He’s a drug, and I need him I tel myself that this is a safe obsession, because he has no knowledge of it

So In these waking rounded by Esther, who sleeps pressed to my chest like an extension of ainst her chest, attuned to the faint gurgles of her soft sto in her faers buried in her fur, stroking her beloved warm body

"Stay, stay, stay," I whisper

She does, and I do

Chapter 35

REID

"It’s not true, is it?" Chelsea says, plopping down next to

"Of course not" I have no idea what she’s talking about

She crunches through a salad of ies while I eat ashas beco off muscle as fast as Olaf and I can put it back on Chelsea doesn’t enlighten me about the true or untrue topic of her question, but she’s aware I’m curious as helShe shoves another bite in herlike mischief incarnate

"Okay, fine, is what true?"

She finishes the bite and cocks an eyebrow at me

"Haven’t checked the Internet lately, huh?" I steal a couple of carrots from her bowl "I never check it, where I’m concerned I’d have been convinced I was the devil by now if I did"

She shrugs "Or gay"

"Excuse me?"