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Moiddy as kids, andwith his hair Made htcaps, and they couldn‘t stop talking about howaround the Apostles and screwing each other blind (Okay, they didn‘t say the last part, but--really--if I‘d done anything reuy in front of theh a tube for the rest of s and Dad ht be nice when he retired and Mohed and told hiave his chest a flirty little push, and it was all I could do not to throw up

I interrupted Mo to bed‖

My , drink in hand, herall right, kiddo?‖ Dad asked ―What‘d you do all week, anyway?‖

―Nothing,‖ I said and headed for the stairs ―Night‖

c

I didn‘t sleep

My parents caht I wondered if they would stop outside o on and then off The house fell silent and dark There was nothe inky shadows bunch and gather on the ceiling, and thought about Matt, hoas gone, really gone this tihost, Matt was first a fantasy and now a memory that would fade the same way I couldn‘t remember much about the fire or what came before or what my favorite flavor of ice cream had been when I was three

Mr Anderson said he would be there for me, but how could that possibly work? He was my teacher I was just a kid No matter what he said, that‘s what I was and he would see that and regret ever opening his mouth

Plus, he was married

And his wife, where was his wife, really? Their baby?

I sighed My eyes itched fro, if he was asleep oron for a while, but I guess I‘d been so preoccupied they were like white noise, background that didn‘t becohed I sat up in bed, ears straining The sounds were disjointed, broken-- and then roaned

Oh God My parents were going at it, and not quietly Orquiet, or just didn‘t care Because Jenna was asleep, right? Jenna was a good girl Besides, she‘d been gone so many months in that psychiatric hospital, who could remember to keep it down?

I stuck my head under my pillow and screaot up, skipped breakfast, and went for a run far away fro the night and all the puddles froe, I skidded on some black ice and nearly fell into the river, but I didn‘t care one way or the other I ran far enough that I started to feel sick and had to s a couple gels They were sour apple and ot back, s and coffee, and the ere fogged ―Hey, you‘ve gotten to be a real athlete there,‖ said my father

His cheeks were ruddy and his hair was still wet

My ry, sweetie?‖ She s oet out of that kitchen, I was going to throw up in ot to take a shower I have work‖

―Well, I’ve worked up an appetite,‖ said rabbed my mother around her waist and she squealed and did the whole ly eyed teenagers

No one noticed when I left

I hunkered in my room the rest of the day and finished Alexis‘s book Here‘s what I decided: the lady was certifiable with all her crap about ecstasy under the sea and hot blood and cool water, and I ought to kno to figure a way to say that in five pages

But I never opened Word Instead, I went to host e-es, all the ones he‘d ever written and then ed all the date sta ain, so as old was new again: You’ve gota tiuess you‘d call it

I reread one of the first es he‘d sent when he‘d been alive-alive: The only way I live through each day is to pretend I‘one If you‘re dead, then the life you had before is dead, too, and all that reht in front of you So I‘m dead, Jenna You have to think about me that way, okay? Because that‘s how I think about you and Mo as I‘m here, we‘re all dead and it has to be that way for me to do my job and come back

Was that crazy? I didn‘t think so Matt had protected hiine what living there--dying there every day--had been like

The real irony is that Matt chose to kill hile day so he could coood

I deleted all his le One