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"M the alcohol
As we passed my bottle, Hannah plucked it up and helpedthe bourbon
"Then you do it"
My hand shook as I poured the amber liquid down the drain
Hannah didn't kno could she?--what this li near the hollow of her throat It was bright against her pale skin
"The lock," Itriple Still, I knew exactly what it was--the padlock necklace I bought for Hannah in Estes
"I got it engraved," she said She brought er over the letters H M
Hannah
Matt
I collapsed onto the bed and reeled into darkness
CHAPTER 26
Hannah
I WOKE WITH a start The bed was cold The room was dark and quiet and it took me a moment to remember where I was: in a cabin in Geneva, NY
Under the bathrooainst the headboard and gathered the quilt aroundthe bathroom? Did he have a secret stash of alcohol in the cabin? I stared into the darkness and tried to eony done to hihter, at least, and his eyes ild and glassy His handso down the back of his neck
Worst of all, though, was the total absence of his proud spirit Shuffling around the cabin, refusing to meet my eyes he was broken
My intentions dissolved when I saw him Why did I think I could keep my distance? Why would I want to? Love is relentless
The bedside clock read 5:12 am No wonder I felt like a train wreck
I slid out of the sheets and pulled on my tunic top I had pajamas in my suitcase, but my suitcase was in the car and I had no desire to step away froht, even after he faceplanted into bed
I didn't want hiain
I padded to the bathrooently
"I'm fine," he said, his voice quiet It sounded like he was on the floor I crouched and flattened both hands to the door
"Are you sure?"
"Mht, watching Matt breathe greedily in his sleep, I wondered if I should be worried about alcohol poisoning Worry gnawed at h the bathrooover," he said, "it's nothing"
His tone definitely said--leave h, I heardThe sounds were hoarse and painful I nuzzled closer to the door Typical Matt, suffering alone
Why did he hide froun could drive an to pace around the bedroos I made the bed I'm a productive worrier
The toilet flushed, but Matt didn't eh the cabin and did a littleashtrays I changed Laurence's water and fed his he must have seen
My eyes strayed toward the kitchen table with its stacks of pages I felt a fa to get The Surrogate to me A love story A lie story I remembered how I felt at the cusp of Matt's unwritten sex scene: I wanted it to happen, the deception didn't s about what he'd done, or was he si to explain himself?
My heart wasn't made of paper That was fiction This wasmy way back to the bedroo bullshit I barged into the bathroo at the floor The sod, baby," I whispered, kneeling at his side and stroking the hair back from his brow His whole body shook He was soaked with sweat
"Hannah Hannah"
He clasped aze darted around on the tiled floor, where all I could see were pale tiles with gray speckles
"Matt, it's okay now, listen to me, it's okay"
Every ti up on his brow I touched his neck His heart was racing My god, as this?
"Xanax," he chattered "Get me one Get me a Xanax In the k-kitchen"
"Matt, I don't think--"
"Hannah!"
I scurried to the kitchen Okay, Xanax Get a Xanax Maybe Matt was addicted Fuck, maybe that's what this was Fuck Did he need so himself to death?
Panic ainst the table and scattered pill bottles Fuck, fuck, fuck Which hich? Why did Matt have all these fucking pharmaceuticals anyway?
Finally I found the Xanax I shook out one blue oval and ran back to Matt, as gripping the sink Water dripped frorabbed the pill, chewed and sed it, his face twisted in disgust
I hovered at his side He sht now Tears gathered in my eyes and I dashed them away Fuck, I couldn't stand to see Matt--a htened