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"Moolden pastries and pies of all kinds Mom pulls a roast chicken froetables My hand flies up to covernone stop--all of ry?" She beams atreally hard not break and I’ it forI’ve ever seen and I have no idea what to do
"Moe to squeeze out ofShe shakes her head and carries the hot tray toward the eets there, dropping the roast chicken and vegetables onto the floor Mom’s hands shoot up to cover herout another piece ofher sadness
"Talk to ainst the bench, pushing two pies onto the floor They s purple and red colors everywhere, filling the roo uncontrollably, but she refuses to acknowledge it "We’ll have to have apple pie for dinner I hope that’s okay"
She pulls a knife from the top drawer and cuts at the pie
"I don’t want pie" My voice is stern and I don’t want to upset her, but she’s freaking me out
"Well, what do you want?"
"I want you to talk to htly "What do you wantto move on!"
The hole inall of Dad’s favorite foods?" She keeps her eyes on the sink "You don’t have to o a few hours, Morieve, you need to feel"
She snaps "You want rabs the apple pie and throws it to the ground She sto a tray of puainst the cupboard and it smashes I flinch, unable to hold backin the kitchen, including herself and I can’t do anything
Food and glass splatter and rebound offeverywhere I’ve never seen anything so heartbreaking inso hard her face turns red Her htly and lines of spit are falling out She drags her legs up to her chest and rests her head against theet to her I need to hold her, to let her know I’m here for her I pull her into me and she cries on my shoulder I’ve never felt so helpless than I do in this moment I can’t help myher hair "We’re going to be okay"
Technically, I lied I have no idea if we’ll be okay I have no idea what toet any easier, but I did now that even though this family has lost an ie The process is going to be long and painful, but I knoe’ll get through it That’s what fah difficult tio to bed" Mom sobs "I want to be alone"
She pulls away from me and climbs unsteadily to her feet
"Do you want a shower?"
She doesn’t answer et a foot in the door as she closes it in oing to be a lot harder than I thought it’d bemaybe I shouldn’t have come home
I turn down the hallway and enter ht on It’s exactly as I remember it--the white double bed with pink sheets, the white vanity table and big brown bookshelf It isn’t ht that filters in frouide me I pull my phone from my pocket, slide out of my pants and pull my shirt off The cool, clean sheets welcome me as I slide between thely of this house, which smells like Mom and Dad--I don’t know--I can’t explain the scent It’s a sh blurry eyes I unlock my phone and see that I have a text from Seth
FROM: SETH TIME: 12:36 AM
I miss you
I call him I know he needs sleep and I know I spoke to hio, but I need to hear his voice My heart sends a rapid pulse around my body when I hear his husky voice answer "O?"
"Hey," I twist lock of o?"
There’s the question I was kind of hoping to avoid Then again, if that were true I wouldn’t have called hi Mom lose control and break down killed ain I inhale shakily, unaware that I’ve started crying Seth doesn’t say anything else, just listens
"How did you do it?" I ask,your Mom so broken?"
I hear hi her to deal with all on her own"
"But you--"
"I deal with it now, but in the beginning I couldn’t It was too hard for uess that’s why I feel responsible for her"
I let his words sink in Seth blames himself for his mother’s alcohol addiction because he wasn’t there to support her when she needed it Maybe it is a good idea I ca if I hadn’t? The thought terrifies ot ho her eerily, happy smile "I can’t even You wouldn’t believeto think of a way to describe what happened It was"She was happyand I was so mad, but when I came inside--into the kitchen--it was filled with all of Dad’s favorite foods andthen she completely lost control" I s a sob "I-I can’t"
"People have different way of coping If she’s expressing eh he can’t see me