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"No" He was sincere now, but all that would change Soon he’d have a change of heart Soon he’d discover the same way Billy had as most attractive about her: simply that she didn’t represent any threat to his freedoiven before, and he sincerely hoped no one remeregation of believers he’d been a shepherd to for alaze drifted from one face to another, and he experienced an achy kind of sadness

"Let us pray," he said after a moment, and bowed his head He said the words by rote, but they had lost theirfor him At one time they’d come from his heart, but no er--at least none to speak of

When he’d finished praying, he closed the Bible, turned, and sat down The choir in their shiny blue robes stood, and organSoon theIt was a favorite Christ He didn’t think it was possible to do so with a heavy heart

Joe and Annie were gone Joe had phoned to say they’d arrived at Annie’s fa her parents was like falling into a jar of honey Anniebecause Joe claireed toa party in his honor

Paul had laughed The happiness in his son’s voice lifted his spirits He didn’t bla in Los Angeles to hold hi was over, Paul stood and offered the benediction The congregation filed out of the wide double doors at the back of the church As was his habit, Paul stood in the doorway and shook hands

"Merry Christ his hand in both of hers "We’re looking forward to having you spend Christmas with us"

"I don’t believe I’ve gotten back to Steve about that I will soon," Paul promised He’d always liked Myrna Barbara had enjoyed her friendship for a goodfor the bulk of the crowd to file past His shoulders were hunched and his eyes weary with fatigue that reached far deeper than the physical

Paul clasped the older man’s hand fire pleasantries Bernard kept his gaze lowered and shuffled past with his head low; if he’d wanted to say anything, he had changed hislot It was in his e’s condition But he already knew the answer She was failingnow, and then Bernard would be as alone as Paul was It wouldn’t be long, and Bernard would sit in this same church and feel God had not only turned his back on hier that seared through his blood surprised Paul He’d never been an angry man Rarely had he clenched his fist or raised his voice Rarely had he voiced his discontent And never to God

He could feel the heat work its way through him, yet it seey that invigorated him

He waited until the church was empty, then marched up the center aisle and stood in the s filled with oxygen He held his breath until he chest ached, then slowly, purposely, expelled it little by little

"You pro," Paul said out loud The sound of his voice echoed eerily in the vacant room His eyes rested on the closed Bible propped up in thein church and talking out loud to a God who refused to listen

"You promised!" he shouted at the top of his voice His mind rattled off all the Bible verses he’d claih his mind like soldiers, shoulders squared at attention But these promises Paul had put such faith in were like miniature toy soldiers, ineffective and worthless All his prayers, all his pleadings, had been returned to hi itself with Madge Once more Paul had to sit by and watch soret, that it wasn’t any easier the second go-around

He looked at Bernard and saw a reflection of hi on by a thread, and that thread was tattered

After a while, Paul felt foolish standing alone in the middle of the church Alone he kneell The church part hat made him so uncomfortable Funny, he’d spent the better part of his life in church; now he felt as out of place as a Sunday olfer

He turned around and was about to leave when he saw Leta Johnson waiting for him at the back of the church He certainly hoped she hadn’t been standing there long

"Did you forget so?" he asked defensively, embarrassed that she’d found him this way He reached into a pew and placed a hymn book into the proper slot

"No I just wanted to see if Joe and Annie ht They’re fine"

"I’lad to hear it"

Leta wasn’t one to ht to the crux of thenow It wasn’t the first ti her He stopped and waited, giving her ae Bartelli"

"I saw Bernard," Paul told her

"Two of her children have arrived, and a couple of the woood idea" One he should have thought of hi Barbara had been so good at organizing

"I hope you don’t er co done this She’d seen a need and filled it He was grateful

He ht of it himself, if he hadn’t been in thealone in church and shouting at God! Anyone, even Leta, est he visit a ht of his actions

"Paul" Leta’s voice drifted through the fog of his reat," he said enthusiastically "Really"

She looked as if she doubted hi," she said, and walked a couple of steps in reverse

"Monday," he repeated

Paul waited until she’d turned and left the building before he strolled out of the sanctuary and into his office He sat on his chair and stared at the row upon row of hardback books that lined his office wall Theology, commentaries, concordances, all able and ready to help him understand God

It came to him, sadly, that he had no interest in divine od who allowed good wood who allowed husbands to stand by and watch the but pray Paul knew exactly where prayer had gotten him It had carried him all the way to the cemetery

Someone once told him that he had a choice when he buried his wife He could either accept her death and grow and ry toward God