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"But you still didn't knohere she was, or how she was living"

"No" He lowered his eyes "That's part of it, of course Why I' up the empty stable" His eyes returned toin them that I wanted to turn from, and couldn't "I have to kno much to blame myself"

Did he really think he would ever have the answer to that one? Oh, he ht answer There is never a right answer to that inescapable question

He finished writing the check and passed it to ed He told ht like it made out to Cash I said payable to ain and wrote Matthew Scudder on the right line I folded it and put it inyou left out You don't think it's iht be"

"How do you know that?"

"Instinct, I suppose I spent a lot of years watching people decide how close they cared to co you have to tell me, but-"

"Oh, it's extraneous, Scudder I left it out because I didn't think it fit in, but-Oh, the hell with it Wendy's not hter"

"She was adopted?"

"I adopted her My wife is Wendy's mother Wendy's father was killed before Wendy was born, he was a Marine, he died in the landing at Inchon" He looked away again "I inning I loved her as much as any real father could have When I found out that I was… unable to father children rateful for her existence Well? Is it important?"

"I don't know," I said "Probably not" But of course it was i uilt

"Scudder? You're not married, are you?"

"Divorced"

"Any children?"

I nodded He started to say so hiood policeman"

"I wasn't bad I had cop instincts, and I learned thewere you on the force?"

"Fifteen years Al if you stay twenty?"

"That's right"

He didn't ask the question, and that was strangelythan if he had

I said, "I lost the faith"

"Like a priest?"

"So like that Not exactly, because it's not rare for a cop to lose the faith and go on being a cop He may never have had it in the first place What it amounted to was that I found out I didn't want to be a cop anymore" Or a husband, or a father Or a productive member of society

"All the corruption in the depart?"

"No, no" The corruption had never bothered me I would have found it hard to support a fa else"

"I see"

"You do? Hell, it's not a secret I was off duty one night in the suhts where cops didn't have to pay for their drinks Two kids held up the place On their way out they shot the bartender in the heart I chased theht the other in the thigh He's never going to walk right again"

"I see"

"No, I don't think you do That wasn't the first tilad the one died and sorry the other recovered"

"Then-"

"One shot ide and ricocheted It hit a seven-year-old girl in the eye The ricochet took her and it probably would have glanced off her forehead Would have left a nasty scar but nothingbut soft tissue, and it went right on into her brain They tell me she died instantly" I looked at my hands The tremor was barely visible I picked up my cup and drained it I said, "There was no question of culpability As a ot a departned I just didn't want to be a cop anymore"

I sat there for a few ht over another cup of laced coffee "Your friend's not reed that he wasn't So in my tone must have alerted her because she sat down in Hanniford's chair and put her hand on top of s to do, and I'd rather not do therinned at her "When did you ever see me drunk?"

"Never And I never saw you when you weren't drinking"

"It's a nice ood for you, can it?"