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I nodded "Around the tied

"How come you quit the cops? Was it this stuff?"

"What stuff?"

She waved a hand at the bottles "You know The booze"

"Oh, hell, no," I said "I wasn't even that heavy a hitter at the ti a cop anymore"

"What did it? Disillusionust with corruption?"

I shook ame and I never had much faith in the criminal justice system It's a terrible systeoes, I was never enough of an idealist to be bothered by it"

"What then? Mid-life crisis?"

"You could call it that"

"Well, on't talk about it if you don't want to"

We fell silent for a lass down and said, "Well, it's no secret It's just not soton Heights one night It was a place where cops could drink on the ar us around so you could run a tab and never be asked for payht to be there I was off-duty and I wanted to unwind a little before I drove back out to the island"

Or ht anyway I didn't always Soht a few hours' sleep in a hotel rooet a hotel rooot as in the register and shot the bartender on the way out, shot him dead just for the hell of it I ran out into the street after theun You always carry it

"I eot them both I killed one of them and crippled the other Left hiain are walk and fuck"

I'd told this story before but this tihts is hilly and they'd taken off up an incline I reun with both hands, firing uphill at the the recollection so vivid Maybe it was soray eyes

"And because you killed one and crippled another-"

I shook my head "That wouldn't have bothered me I'm only sorry I didn't kill theood reason on God's earth I wouldn't lose a dime's worth of sleep over those two"

She waited

"One of the shots ide," I said "Shooting uphill at a pair of ets, hell, it's remarkable I scored as well as I did I always shot Expert on the police range, but it's different when it's real" I tried to draw e it "One shot h, and it ricocheted off the paveirl walking around or standing around, whatever the hell she was doing She was only six years old I don't knohat the hell she was doing out at that hour"

This time I looked away "The bullet went into her eye," I said "The ricochet took off some of its steam so if it had been an inch to the side one way or the other it probably would have glanced off bone, but life's a gaet in the way and the bullet wound up in her brain and she died Instantly"

"God"

"I didn't do anything wrong There was a departation because that's standard procedure, and it was agreed unani As a matter of fact I received a commendation The child was Hispanic, Puerto Rican, Estrellita Rivera her naets on you when there's a et static froroups, but there was none of that in this case If I was anything I was a fast-acting hero cop who had a piece of bad luck"

"And you quit the police force"

The Scotch bottle was empty There was maybe half a pint of vodka in the other bottle and I poured a few ounces of it intoAnd I don't knohat made me do it"

"Guilt"

"I' a cop didn't see a husband and a father didn't seem to work, either I took a leave of absence from both, moved into a hotel a block west of Columbus Circle So back, not tofor a while After a moment she leaned over and touched esture and for so in my throat

Then she had withdrawn her hand and was on her feet I thought for a mooing to call the liquor store while they're still open The nearest place is on Canal and they close early Do you want to stick with Scotch or would you rather switch to bourbon? And what brand of bourbon?"

"I should probably be going soon"

"Scotch or bourbon?"

"I'll stay with the Scotch"

While aited for the liquor delivery she took me around the loft and showed me some of her work Most of it was realistic, like the Medusa, but a few pieces were abstract There was a lot of strength in her sculpture I told her I liked her work

"I'ood," she said

She wouldn't let uest We sat in our chairs again, opened our respective bottles, filled our glasses She asked me if I really liked her work I assured her that I did

"I'ot into this? Playing with clay with the kids at the day-care center I wound up taking the clay ho with it by the hour Then I took a night course at Brooklyn College, an adult-ed class, and the instructor told me I had talent He didn't have to tell nition I had a show at the Chuck Levitan Gallery a little over a year ago You know the gallery? On Grand Street?" I didn't "Well, he gave me a one-man show A one-woman show A one-person show Shit, you have to think before you talk nowadays, have you noticed?"

"Uh-huh"

"And I had an NEA grant last year National Endowrant from the Einhoorn Foundation Don't pretend you heard of the Einhoorn Foundation I never heard of it before I got the grant I've got pieces in some fairly decent collections One or two in museums Well, one, and it's not MOMA, but it's a museum I'm a sculptor"

"I never said you weren't"

"And my kids are in California and I never see theht? I'm some kind of unnatural woman in the first place, soets custody, right? I didn't , Matthew?"

"What?"

"I didn't want custody I was done with day care I had fucking had it with kids, my own included What do you h"