Page 36 (1/2)

I had a32 in h from the pavement to make death a certainty But I've never tried that sort of thing, and I've somehoays known I never will I'm either too scared or too stubborn, or perhaps my particular despair is never as unequivocal as I think it is So

Of course all bets were off if I drank I'd heard aout of a blackout on the Brooklyn Bridge He was over the railing and he had one foot in space when he ca, and got the hell out of there

Suppose he'd come to a second later, with both feet in the air

If I drank I'd feel better

I couldn't get the thought out of my head The worst of it was that I kneas true I felt horrible, and if I had a drink the feeling would go away I'd regret it in the long run, I'd feel as bad and worse again in the long run, but so what? In the long run we're all dead

I re Mary, one of the regulars at St Paul's, had said it She was a birdlike woroomed and soft-spoken I'd heard her qualify once, and evidently she'd been the next thing to a shopping-bag lady before she hit botto from the floor, she'd said, "You know, it was a revelation to me to learn that I don't have to be comfortable Nowhere is it written that I ht if I felt nervous or anxious or unhappy I had to do sos won't kill s won't"

The train plunged into the tunnel As it dropped below ground level all the lights went out for a ain I could hear Mary, pronouncing each word very precisely I could see her, her fine-boned hands resting one on top of the other in her lap as she spoke

Funny what comes to mind

When I eed from the subway station at Columbus Circle I still wanted a drink I walked past a couple of bars and went tobeefy Irishe He looked like a cop, and it turned out he'd been one, retiring after twenty years and currently suppleuard Alcohol never interfered with his job or his et to hiovers worsened, and a doctor told hied

"He toldmy life," he said "Well, I wasn't souy who had to drink to get rid of the blues I was just your noruy who liked a shot an' a beer after work and a six-pack in front of the television set So if it's gonna kill ht? I walked out of that doctor's office and resolved to stop drinking And eight years later that's just what I did"

A drunk kept interrupting the qualification He was a well-dressed man and he didn't seem to want toquietly, and after his fifth or sixth outburst a couple of ht how I'd co myself in blackout God, had I been like that?

I couldn't keep ht about Octavio Calderуn and I thought about Sunny Hendryx and I thought how little I'd accomplished I'd been just a little bit out of synch fro I could have seen Sunny before she killed herself She ht for her self-destruction, but I could have learned so from her first

And I could have talked to Calderуn before he did his disappearing act I'd asked for hiot about him when he proved te out of hi so back But it didn't occur to me to pursue him until he'd already checked out and headed for the woods

My ti was terrible I was always a day late and a dollar short, and it struck me that it wasn't just this one case It was the story ofthe discussion, a woot a round of applause when she said it was her second anniversary I clapped for her, and when the applause died down I counted up and realized today was my seventh day If I went to bed sober, I'd have seven days

How far did I get before ht days?

Maybe I could break that record Or ht, though I was all right for tonight I didn't feel any better than I'd felt before the her All the numbers on the scorecard were the same, but earlier they'd added up to a drink and now they didn't

I didn't knohy that was But I kneas safe

Chapter 26

There was a e at the desk to call Danny Boy Bell I dialed the nuan's Pub" I asked for Danny Boy and waited until he came on the line

He said, "Matt, I think you should coer ale That's what I think you should do"

"Now?"

"What better time?"

I was alot the32 out of my dresser I didn't really think Danny Boy would set me up but I didn't want to bet ht be drinking in Poogan's

I'd received a warning last night and I'd spent the intervening hours disregarding it And the clerk who gave e had volunteered that I'd had a couple of other calls froht have been friends of the chap in the lu to offer a word to the wise

I dropped the gun into a pocket, went out and hailed a cab

Danny Boy insisted on buying the drinks, vodka for hier ale for me He looked as natty as ever, and he'd been to the barber since I last saw hiht white curls was closer to his scalp, and hisof clear polish

He said, "I've got two things for you A e first It's a warning"

"I thought it irl"

"Or what?"