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My coffee cup was empty I left Ballou at the table and took ain Crossing the floor, I fancied the sawdust underfoot was blood-soaked I thought I could see it and s, and the sot back Ballou was looking at the picture I'd given hiirl," he said evenly "Prettier than you'd know from her picture Lively, she was"

"Until he killed her"

"Until then"

"He left her there? I'll want to get the body, arrange to ship it back to them"

"You can't"

"There'd be a way to do it without opening an investigation I think her parents would cooperate if I explained it to them Especially if I could tell them that justice had been done" The phrase sounded stilted, but it said what I wanted to say I glanced at him "It has been done, hasn't it?"

He said, "Justice? Is justice ever done?" He frowned, following the thought through the fumes of his whiskey "The answer to your question," he said, "is yes"

"I thought so But the body-"

"You can't take it, man"

"Why not? Wouldn't he say where he buried it?"

"He never buried her" His hand, resting on the table between us, tightened into a fist His fingers hite at the knuckles

I waited

He said "I told you about the farm All it's supposed to be is a place in the country, but the two of thearden, and all su me corn and tomatoes And zucchini, they're always after me to take zucchini" He opened his fist, spread his hand palm-down on the tabletop "He has a dairy herd, two dozen head Holsteins, they are He sells the ive h, are the best you'll ever have They're free range chickens Do you knohat thatChrist, I'd say it does thee Sos"

I didn't say anything

"He keeps hogs there, too"

I took a sip of ht he ht have added it to my cup while I ay from the table But of course that was nonsense, I'd had the cup with me, and the bottle on the table held Irish whiskey, not bourbon But I used to takea bourbon taste in my coffee

He said, "Every year there are far pen, or fall and knock themselves out, and do you knohat happens to thes will do that There's men in the country who advertise that they'll pick up dead cows and horses, dispose of the needs a certain amount of animal matter in his diet, you see He craves it, thrives better if he has it"

"And Paula-"

"Ah, Jesus," he said

I wanted a drink There are a hundred reasons why a man ant a drink, but I wanted one now for the most elementary reason of all I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, and a voice within was telling me that I needed the drink, that I couldn't bear it without it

But that voice is a liar You can always bear the pain It'll hurt, it'll burn like acid in an open wound, but you can stand it And, as long as you canthe pain over the relief, you can keep going

"I believe he wanted to do it," Mickey Ballou said "To kill her with his knife and hoist her into the pen, to stand with his aro at her He had no call to do it She would have gone hoed and nobody would ever have heard of her again He ht have thrown a scare into her if he had to, but he never had any call to kill her So I have to think he did it to take delight in it"

"He's not the first"

"No," he said fervently, "and sometimes there's joy to be found in it Have you known that joy?"

"No"

"I have," he said He turned the bottle so that he could read the label Without looking up he said, "But you don't kill for no good reason You don't ive yourself an excuse to shed blood And you don't fucking lie about it to the faro on thinking she was baking cookies in herMuncie, Indiana"

"You picked hiht"

"I did"

"And drove up to Ulster County, I think you said To the farht"

"I was It's a long drive there and a long drive back, and I wanted to get to "

"The butchers' reed

"Itall the way there and back, and I suppose you'd been drinking"

"I had for a fact, and it's true it was a tiring drive But, you know, there's no traffic at that hour"