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I paused for a moment, then shook my head "I'm not even sure that's it I just don't want you to be alive anymore

"And I want to be the one who sees to it, and that's how all this shit started in the first place, isn't it? I had to play God and frame you for attes take their course back then? Would it have ht answer Then I said, "And here I a it anyway"

That was all I said I stayed there at his side, down on one knee, the gun in his er on his I don't kno long I waited, or what I aiting for

Eventually his breathing changed slightly and he started to stir My finger e before I left I got Echevarria's cuffs loose from Motley's ankles and returned theotten upended earlier and straightened out other articles disturbed during our struggle I went around the apartment, handkerchief in hand, and reht have left the this, I picked up a lipstick tube from the dresser in the bedroo-room wall In block caps three inches tall I printed, it has to end i od sorry i kill so , but I couldn't see how you could prove that it wasn't Just to keep it neat I capped the lipstick tube, got his prints on it, and tucked it into his shirt pocket

I fastened the chain lock on the apartment's front door and left the same way I'd come in, via theThis time I drew it all the way shut after me I went down the fire escape, lowered the ladder, descended it Soinal position, so I had to drop the last few feet, but that was easy enough

Soht at first so e cans and there it was, reposing under a layer of eggshells and orange peels The person who'd put it there had evidently assumed it had been discarded, and decided further that it wasn't worth rescuing It had been a perfectly respectable coat, or at least I'd thought so, but now I figured it was tiht the saht have removed my toothpick from the lock, but it was still in place and all I had to do was draw the door open I retrieved the toothpick and let the door lock behind , and walked over to First Avenue where I caught a cab headed uptown I got out at the hospital's main entrance and went directly to the ICU The nurse said Elaine's condition was unchanged but wouldn't letrooazine

I would have liked to pray but I couldn't think how to go about it AA enerally close with either the Lord's Prayer or the serenity prayer, but neither see thanks for everything just as it was felt like a joke, and not a very tasteful one In the course of things I did say so that one, but I don't really think anyone was listening

Every now and then I would go to the desk, only to be told that nothing had changed and that she couldn't have anyone in the roo room and wait soot deeper than a sort of waking dreary, which wasn't too surprising given that I hadn't had anything since Mick and I ate breakfast I got soht coffee and sandwiches froe ood It wasn't good coffee, not by any stretch of the iet it inside rave expression on her pale face "Maybe you'd better see her now," she said

On the way I asked her what sheher

I went in and stood at her bedside She didn't look any better or any worse than she had before I picked up her hand and held it and waited for her to die

"He's dead," I told her There were nurses around but I don't think any of them could hear me They were too busy to listen Anyway, I didn't care what they heard "I killed hiain"

I suppose you can believe people in comas hear what's said to them You can believe God hears prayers, too, if that's what you want Whatever o, anywhere," I told her "Don't die, baby Please don't die"

I must have been with her for half an hour before one of the nurses toldroom A few hours after that another nurse came in and talked some about Elaine's medical condition I don't remember what she said and didn't understand ist of it was that she had passed a crisis, but that an infinite number of crises lay ahead of her She could develop pneuo into liver or kidney failure- there were so many ways she could die that it seeht as well go ho you can do, and we have your nu happens"

I went ho I called and was told that her condition was about the saot dressed and went over there I was there alland part of the afternoon, and then I rode a crosstown bus through the park and went to Toni's memorial service at Roosevelt