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I TRIED TO o on; soone, even though I felt ier, I was still unable to break free There was no way I could leave: Ann’s despair heldthat, I foundroo though; chronology was beyondon the sofa in front of the fireplace I sat beside her She didn’t even stir I tried to stroke her head in vain She slept on heavily The contact had been broken and I didn’t kno

Standing with a defeated sigh, I walked to our bedroo on the bed, Richard sitting next to her

"Mom, on’t you, at least, allow for the possibility that ither "Perry swears he was there"

"Let’s not talk about it anyain, her eyes red, the flesh around them swollen

"Is it so impossible?" Richard asked "I don’t believe it, Richard," she told hi the look on his face, she added, "Perrythat But he hasn’t convincedafter death I know there isn’t, Richard I know your father’s gone and we have to--"

She couldn’t finish, her voice breaking off with a sob "Please let’s not talk about it anymore," she murmured

"I’ to help"

She took his right hand and held it; kissed it gently, pressed it to her cheek "I know that," she murmured "It was very dear of you but" Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes "He’s dead, Richard," she said after a fewwe can do about it"

"Ann, I’er Was there nothing I could do to let her know? I tried in vain to pick up objects fro to concentratewhile, it hitched once, but, by then, I felt exhausted by the effort

"Dear God’’ I left the roo down the hall, then, on impulse, turned back toward Ian’s roo deal, as Richard likes to say I went through it in an instant and the loathesohost

Ian sat at his desk, doing holum "Can you hear me, Ian?" I asked "We’ve always been close, you and I"

He continued with his horoaned with frustration What was I to do? Yet I couldn’t force rief held me I was trapped

I turned away fro the hall, I walked through the closed door of Marie’s rooh doors see at her desk, writing a letter Iat her She’s such a lovely girl, Robert, tall and blonde and graceful Talented too; a beautiful singing voice and definite presence on a stage She’d been working very hard at the Academy of Dramatic Arts, intent on a theatrical career I’d always had confidence in her future It’s a difficult profession but she’s persistent I’d always planned to make some contacts in the business for her after she was finished with her training Now I’d never be able to do that It was one

We never saw a lot of one another I mean just the two of us, especially in the last few years My fault, not his He tried to get us together--for a day, an evening He and Ian spent days together, playing golf, going to ballga out and talking for hours, getting to know each other Richard wants to write too and Dad was always helpful and supportive to hi I wanted--a play, a film, a concert We’d have dinner beforehand and talk It was always enjoyable but there was never enough of it, I see now

Still, I always felt close to hiood care ofwith good grace and had a wonderful sense of humor I know he loved me Sometimes, he’d put his arreat faith in my future I sent him notes and told him he was the "best Daddy" in the world and I loved him--but I wish I’d told him in person more

If only I could see him now Tell him: Daddy, thank you for all--

She stopped and rubbed her eyes as tears dripped on the letter "I’ to ruin it," she mumbled

"Oh, Marie" I put ht If only she could feel ain

Sorry, had to stop to wipe my eyes I may have to do that several ti about Mom now Dad meant so much to her; she meant so much to him They had a wonderful relationship, Wendy I don’t think I ever really spoke of it to you before They were completely devoted to each other Except for us children, they seemed to have need for no one but each other Not that they didn’t see people People liked thereat friends with your Mo

It’s funny I’ve talked to lots of kids and al of--their parentsis universal

It was never any trouble visualizing Moether--in the kitchen, the fa each other closely, not speaking, like a pair of young lovers Sometimes, they’d stand like that in the pool even And, alhen they sat together--whatever it was for, talking, watching television, anything--Moainst Dad, he’d put his arm around her and her head would lie on his shoulder They ain Later Another delay to drylove It seeht I reh to be conscious of it, of course--I’d hear their bedroom door shut quietly and hear the discreet click of the lock I don’t know about Louise or Richard or Ian but it always ht They were real people, vulnerable and both had tempers Dad helped Mom to let hers out, especially after her breakdown--and, oh, Wendy, all the years he supported her through that! He helped her to release her anger instead of keeping it bottled up: told her, if nothing else, to screa in her car She did and once Katie got so frightened she almost had a heart attack; she was on the back seat and Moh they fought, their fighting never turned the and kissing, s They were like children sometimes, Wendy There were ti else? I’ve never mentioned this to anyone before I know Dad loved us and Mo’’ between the precious So beyond words

Not that we suffered fro They never deprived us of anything, always gave us love and support in everything we tried or wanted Still, there was this strange element in their relationship which kept the all those years when the family was a unit of three to six Maybe it doesn’t make sense but it’s true I can’t explain it I only hope I have the sae Whatever it is, I hope you have it in yours

Proof of what I say is that I started this letter talking about Dad but ended up talking about Mom and Dad Because it’s i about her as well They go together That’s the trouble I just can’t visualize her without hi coht now As though--

I started as I realized soe of her letter, I’d been picking up her words before she wrote theht Write what I tell you Write these words Ann, this is Chris I still exist

I fixedthe words Ann, this is Chris I still exist Again and again, directing them to Marie’s mind as she wrote Write them down, I told her I repeated the words I wanted her to write Write them down I repeated the words Write them down Repeated the wordsWrite Repeated Write, repeated A dozen times, then more and more Write: Ann this is Chris I still exist

I becaasped suddenly and jerked her hand from the desk As she stared at the paper in stunned silence, I looked down at it

She’d written on the paper: Annthsiscris--istilexst

"Show it to Mom," I told her excitedly I concentrated on the words Show it to Moot up and moved toward the hall, the paper in her hand "That’s it, that’s it," I said That’s it, I thought