Page 12 (1/2)
12
THE BAY CITY BOOK OF THE DEAD
Charlie named the hamsters Parmesan and Romano (or Par up na the label on a jar of Alfredo sauce That was all the thought that went into it and that was enough In fact, Charlie thought hethat when he returned horeat firecracker/sewer debacle, he found his daughter gleefully pounding away on the tray of her high chair with a stiff hamster
Romano was the poundee, Charlie could tell because he’d put a dot of nail polish between his little ears so he could tell it apart from its companion, Parmesan, as equally stiff inside the plastic Habitrail box In the bottom of the exercise wheel, actually Dead at the wheel
"Mrs Ling!" Charlie called He pried the expired rodent frohter’s little hand and dropped it in the cage
"Is Vladlena, Mr Asher," caiant voice froed fro at the clasps of her overalls "I’ to crap like bear Sophie was safe in chair"
"She was playing with a dead hamster, Mrs Korjev"
Mrs Korjev looked at the two haave it a little tap, shook it back and forth "They sleep"
"They are not sleeping, they’re dead"
"They are fine when I go in bathrooh"
"They were not having a laugh They were dead Sophie had one in her hand" Charlie lookedIts head looked extrerabbed a paper towel fro out the inside of Sophie’s mouth She made a la-la-la sound as she tried to eat the tohich she thought was part of the gao pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short tio in bathroo were you in there?"
"Maybe fivea strain in "
"Aiiiiieeeee," ca returned, and sca snapped at Mrs Korjev
"I’ve got her now," Charlie said "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S"
"He et rid, Mr Asher," said Mrs Ling "No proble," said Mrs Korjev
"Ladies, go Please I’ll see one of you in the "
"Is my turn," said Mrs Korjev sadly "Am I banish? Is no Sophie for Vladlena, yes?"
"No Uh, yes It’s fine, Mrs Korjev I’ll see you in the e They certainly were sound little sleepers, these hamsters She liked hae under her ar "Bye-bye, Sophie Bye-bye"
"Bye-bye, bubeleh," said Mrs Korjev
"Bye-bye," Sophie said, with a baby wave
"When did you learn bye-bye?" Charlie said to his daughter "I can’t leave you for a second"
But he did leave her the very next day, to find replaceo van to the pet store this tie or hubris he’d rallied in order to attack the sewer harpies had o near a storm drain At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a e kidney-shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteeuy" To shore up the snail’s morale in the same way, there was a rock Everyone is happier if they have someone to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both This is not only the Beta Male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalisrilled the clerk for fifteen minutes on the vitality of the turtles, and was assured that they could probably survive a nuclear attack as long as there were so up over his turtles
"Are you okay, Mr Asher?" asked the pet-shop guy
"I’m sorry," Charlie said "It’s just that this is the last entry in the register"
"And your bank didn’t give you a new one?"
"No, I have a new one, but this is the last one that my rote in Now that this one is used up, I’ll never see her handwriting in the check register again"
"I’uy, who, until thatto be consoling a guy over a couple of dead hamsters
"It’s not your probleo"
And he did, squeezing the check register in his hand as he drove She was slipping away, every day a little o Jane had come down to borrow some honey and found the pluerator, covered in green fuzz
"Little brother, this has got to go," Jane said,a face
"No It was Rachel’s"
"I know, kid, and she’s not co back for it What else do you - oh e "What was that?"
"Lasagna Rachel made it"
"This has been in here for over a year?"
"I couldn’tover Saturday and cleaning out this apartet rid of all the stuff of Rachel’s that you don’t want"
"I want it all"
Jane paused while na to the trash bin, pan and all "No you don’t, Charlie This kind of stuff doesn’t help you remember Rachel, it just hurts you You need to focus on Sophie and the rest of both of your lives You’re a young guy, you can’t give up We all loved Rachel, but you have to think aboutout"
"I’m not ready And you can’t come over this Saturday, that’s my day in the shop"
"I know," Jane said "It’s better if you’re not here"
"But you can’t be trusted, Jane," Charlie said, as if that was as obvious as the fact that Jane was irritating "You’ll throw out all the pieces of Rachel, and you’ll stealCharlie’s suits pretty regularly since he’d started dressinga tailored, double-breasted jacket that he’d just gotten back froo Charlie hadn’t even worn it yet "Why are you still wearing suits, anyway? Isn’t your new girlfriend a yoga instructor? Shouldn’t you be wearing those baggy pants made out of hemp and tofu fibers like she does? You look like David Bowie, Jane There, I’ve said it I’m sorry, but it had to be said"
Jane put her arm around his shoulder and kissed him on the cheek "You are so sweet Bowie is the only man I’ve ever found attractive Let me clean out your apartive the s a day to do battle down at the Everything for a Dollar Store"
"Okay, but just clothes and stuff, no pictures And just put it in the base away"
"Even food iteo But don’t let Sophie knohat you’re doing And leave Rachel’s perfume, and her hairbrush I want Sophie to knohat her ht, when he finished at the shop, he went down to the basee area for his aparts that Jane had packed up When that didn’t work, he opened thele iteood-bye to pieces of Rachel
On his way hohted Place for Books because it, too, was a piece of Rachel and he needed a touchstone, but also because he needed to research what he was doing He’d scoured the Internet for information on death, and while he’d found that there were a lot of people anted to dress like death, get naked with the dead, look at pictures of the naked and the dead, or sell pills to give erections to the dead, there just wasn’t anything on how to go about being dead, or Death No one had ever heard of Death Merchants or sewer harpies or anything of the sort He left the store with a two-foot-high stack of books on Death and Dying, figuring, as a Beta Male typically does, that before he tried to take the battle to the ene about what he was dealing with
That evening he settled in on the couch next to his baby daughter and read while the new turtles, Bruiser and Jeep (so na durability in thes and watched CSI Safari-land on cable
"Well, honey, according to this K��bler-Ross lady, the five stages of death are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance Well, ent through all of those stages e lost Mommy, didn’t we?"
"Mama," Sophie said
The first tiht Charlie to tears He had been looking over her little shoulder at a picture of Rachel The second tih chair at the breakfast bar and was talking to the toaster
"That’s not Mommy, Soph, that’s the toaster"
"Ma out for the toaster
"You’re just trying to fuck with me, aren’t you?" Charlie said
"Mae
"Swell," Charlie said
He read on, realizing that Dr K��bler-Ross had been exactly right Everywhen he woke up to find another name and nuh the entire five-step process before he finished breakfast But now that the steps had a naes as experienced by the family members of his clients That’s how he referred to the people whose souls he retrieved: clients
Then he read a book, called The Last Sack, about how to kill yourself with a plastic bag, but it must not have been a very effective book, because he saw on the back cover that there had been two sequels He iined the fan mail:
Dear Last Sack Author:
I was alot all steamed up and I couldn’t see the TV, so I poked an eyehole I hope to try again with your next book
The book really didn’t help Charlie much, except to instill in his
Over the next few yptian Book of the Dead, froh his nostril with a buttonhook, which he was sure would corief, burial rituals, and myths of the Underworld, from which he learned that there had been personifications of Death since the dawn of time, and none of them looked like him; and the Tibetan Book of the Dead, from which he learned that bardo, the transition between this life and the next, was forty-nine days long, and that during the process you would be met by about thirty thousand demons, all of which were described in intricate detail, none of which looked like the sewer harpies, and all of which you were supposed to ignore and not be afraid of because they weren’t real because they were of the e," Charlie said to Sophie, "how all of these books talk about how the nificant, yet I have to retrieve people’s souls, which are attached toelse, is ironic, don’t you think?"
"No," Sophie said
At eighteen months Sophie answered all questions either "No," "Cookie," or "like Bear" - the last Charlie attributed to leaving his daughter too often in the care of Mrs Korjev After the turtles, two uana, and tidereat wok in the sky (or, more accurately, on the third floor), Charlie finally acquiesced and brought ho cockroach that he nah life talking total nonsense
"Like Bear," Sophie said
"She’s talking about the bug," Charlie said, one night when Jane stopped by
"She’s not talking about the bug," Jane said "What kind of father buys a cockroach for a little girl anyway? That’s disgusting"
"Nothing’s supposed to be able to kill them They’ve been around for like a hundred million years It was that or a white shark, and they’re supposed to be hard to keep"
"Why don’t you give up, Charlie? Just let her get by with stuffed animals"
"A little kid should have a pet Especially a little kid growing up in the city"
"We grew up in the city and we didn’t have any pets"
"I know, and look hoe turned out," Charlie said, gesturing back and forth between the two of theiant cockroach nairlfriend in sixhis newest Harris tweed suit
"We turned out great, or at least one of us did," Jane said, gesturing to the splendor of her suit, like she was a gae on Let’s Get Androgynous, "You have got to gain soht in the butt," she said, lapsing once again into self-obsession "A, not looking," Charlie chanted
"She wouldn’t need pets if she ever saw the outside of this apart down on the crotch of her trousers to counteract the dreaded droit effect "Take her to the zoo, Charlie Let her see so besides this apartment Take her out"
"I will, tomorrow I’ll take her out and show her the city," Charlie said And he would have, too, except he woke to find the name Madeline Alby written on his day planner, and next to her name, the number one
Oh yeah, and the cockroach was dead
I will take you out," Charlie said as he put Sophie in her high chair for breakfast "I will, honey I proive me one day?"
"No," Sophie said "Juice," she added, because she was in her chair and this was juice time
"I’ her hair this way, then that, then giving up "He was a good bug, but he is nowill bury hi pretty crowded" He didn’t re’s , but as he to question?