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"Yo," Monet said "Help ot one shoulder under the statue and tried to lift it, while Monet tucked the gun in his pants and got under the other They dragged the statue only a couple of feet before they had to set it down and catch their breath

"Motherfucker heavy," PJ said

"Would you guys come on!" Fly screamed from the car, totally out of character now

"Fuck this," Monet said This whole thing was just too eun, hadn’t he? He drew the Glock from his waistband and squeezed one off at the statue

"Shit," PJ said, ducking "Are you crazy?"

"Bi-atch need to learn a - " Monet’s comment was choked off

PJ stood up and looked back There was s out of the bullet hole in the statue, and in the second he watched, it had forrabbed Monet by the throat PJ turned to run, but soht the hood of his tracksuit and yanked hi Then he felt a sharp pain in the side of his neck and he felt suddenly light-headed

The last thing he saas Fly peeling away in the Honda

Chapter Seventeen

Being the Chronicles of Abby Norht

Bow before me, skeezy mortals, for now I see you for the pathetic little rodents that you are Scurry beforedarkness, daysters, for I aht into the fold - I aail Von Nor cool - like co tith Skittles and a Coke I was in the loft, spacing into my jams on my MP3 player I had downloaded the latest Dead Can Dub CD (Death Boots Badonka Mix) at the Starbucks and it was totally transcendent I was transported to an ancient Ro totally chill and sensuous (with perfect hair) I was grinding a free-forestalt - when I saw so in under the door

(I can’t wait to dance with Jared to this new CD He’s so going to love this uys If they get wood during a booty dance, you can just take it as a couy, he would totally suck my dick He can be so sweet)

So I pulled out one of my headphones and I was like, "Whoa, fire in the staircase - sucks to be me" There’s only one exit, so, you know, blackened Abby co up

But the s ars When I saw it had eyes I ran into the bedroo, just totally calm But it wasn’t like when your friends hold your hair while you puke and tell you it’s just the drugs and you’ll be okay - so I went for the safe thing of locking the door so I could assess the situation Then the door just ’splodes into splinters and there’s the Countess, totally naked, standing in the doorith the knob in her hand And she was totally hot, except that her legs were all fucked up, like they were burned or rotted or so

So I’m all, "You totally wrecked your deposit"

And the Countess like grabs my hair and pulls me to her and bites my neck, just like that It didn’t really hurt - it wasa root canal to find your dentist going down on you Well, not exactly like that -(Okay, it hurt, but not as much as the tieometry class and an ice cube Youch!)

She s meat, and I tried to push her away, but it was likeonit happen And then I started to get lightheaded and I thought I was going to pass out That’s when the ho dropped et my clothes off the sidewalk And make coffee"

And I’inity, shouldn’t I get a cigarette and a fucking towel or so? But I just said, "Okay," because where the Countess was all burned was healing while I watched, and it was kind of freaking hs and her totally red pubes anyway So I went downstairs and just outside the door there was a hoh a pile of clothes Well, really, he was sniffing her panties And because I don’t feel ays do enough to help the homeless, I was like, "Take theht"

(I was already feeling the superiority of o all noblesse oblige on his ass) So off he went to sniff the lacy crotch of the undead while I went back upstairs to find coffee filters

So when I get up there the Countess is dressed and hair brushed and she’s all, "Where is Tommy? Have you seen Tommy? Did you talk to those cops? And where’s To your pardon and shit, but you need to chill The va, and so was that bronze statue frouys went off to sleep in the daoes the Countess Then she tightens down all of sudden "Make ars, and squeeze one of those vials of blood into it - and call us a cab"

And I was like, "Hey, step off, Countess I’m one of you and you are not the boss of me and - "

And she said, "I said for us, didn’t I?"

So I did her bidding - well, our bidding, really - and we took a cab over to the Marina Safeway, but e didn’t transform into bats and fly is beyond me Anyere there in ten minutes But as we start to pull in, the Countess tells the driver to keep going

She was all, "It’s Rivera and Cavuto This is not good"

The POS brown cop car was parked in front of the store I was all, "Cops? Their shit is weak"

She seemed surprised that I knew the cops, but I told her how I had owned them like the little wussy-boys that they are and I could tell that the Countess was feeling pretty good about bringing me into the dark fold of the coven

Then she was all, "Fucking Clint - he’s telling them about To at beyond the big glass front of the Safeway I guess oes on Five hundred years is a long ti fu down

The Countess had the driver drop us at Fort Mason, so we could still see the front of the Safeway, and we stood in the fog like the creatures of the night that hile aited for the cops to leave

Then the Countess put her arm around my shoulders and she was all, "Abby, I’m sorry I, uh, attacked you like that I was hurt really badly and to heal I needed fresh blood I wasn’t really in control of ain"

"No worries," I told her "I’m honored to be promoted Besides, it was kind of hot" Which it was, you know, except for the s flesh and stuff

And she was all, "Well, thanks for looking out for us"

And I was all, "Pardon, Countess, but why are we at the Safeway?" Because it’s not like we needed groceries

And she was all, "These guys used to ith Tommy, and one of theht I think theyabout where he is now"

Then, over at the Safe this goofy-looking guy with frizzy hair and glasses unlock the front door and let the cops out They got in their car and the frizzy guy locked the front door behind them

"Showtime," said the Countess She zipped up her leather jacket, took a pair of sunglasses out of her jacket pocket, and put theht back" Then she started across the parking lot toward the Safeway, taking big strides and looking all angel of vengeance, with her red hair flying out behind her, and the lights shining down on her through the fog

I was like, "Oh shit!"

She didn’t even slon When she got about ten feet from the frontshe snatched up one of the steel-reinforced trash cans like it was h theAnd she just kept walking! Little cubes of safety glass rained down on her and she just walked through the front of the store like she owned it and everyone in it - which she did

Before I even got in the store, she was couy by the throat She threw hi red all over the floor and splattering the registers and stuff

I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now Oh, you in the shit noigga!" (I am not inclined to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiuys I’d seen in the li around the corner The Countess snatched a wine bottle off the rack, and without a second of hesitation, she threw it and it hit the first guy, a tall, hippie-looking guy, right in the middle of the forehead and he went down like he was shot

She goes, "Back!" and they all headed back around the corner the way they cauy, as out cold

Then the Countess picked up the guy with glasses by the throat And even though he was like a foot taller than her, she whipped hi stuff about Satan and Jesus and telling her to get behind him and shit And the Countess was all, "Where is Tommy?"

And he was all, "I don’t know I don’t know"

And the Countess grabbed hiainst the wine rack Real chilly, she says, "Clint, I’ht eye now Then if you don’t tellto take your left Ready On three One Two"

Then he’s all, "I didn’t have anything to do with it She’s the spawn of Satan, I told theoes the Countess

"He’s in Lash’s apartment on Northpoint I don’t know the number"

And the Countess just yells "Nuuy pops up from behind a display of Cheerios and is all, "Six ninety-three Northpoint, Apartuys pulls him back down

Then the Countess is all, "Thank you If he’s hurt, I’ll be back" And she throws the Clint guy through a rack of Doritos, which exploded their nacho cheesy goodness all over the place

Then she’s all, "Well, that’s a nice surprise"

And I’m all, "That Lord Flood is in an apartment on Northpoint?"

"I didn’t think they would really know I just didn’t knohere else to start"

"Probably your senses attuned to Lord Flood’s presence over the eons," I said, like a total tard

And she’s all, "Let’s go, Abby"

And I don’t knohy, I guess because I had like low blood sugar or soum?"

And she was all, "Sure Grab some coffee, too Whole beans We’re alht up with her, she was halfway across the parking lot, headed back toward Ghirardelli Square, and little pieces of safety glass were still shining in her hair and she sht up and I just couldn’t helpI’d ever seen Ever! And I was all, "Countess, I love you"

And she put her aroes, "Let’s get To ht now I feel like a total fucking loser But I aain