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Chapter 10

Dear Future-Self Dude,

Fifteen o I nearly experienced the heartbreak of fecal incontinence I was in the kitchen, staring glu if I had ti with vaain, I don&039;t technically live with Laura; she&039;s a student at the U of M and has a place of her own in Dinkytown (That&039;s e called the ss and restaurants near the U of M After I gave this soht, it made perfect sense that the Antichrist lived in Dinkytown She was probably right down the block froan said, "Tell me that place isn&039;t run by Satan")

Anyway, Laura has her own place and I iine she eats most of her meals there And since she&039;s alive, she buys food Which she keeps in her fridge

Our fridge, nearly big enough to use in a restaurant, is not so lucky Today its contents revealed four bottles of Diet Peach Snapple (as a doctor, I never touched Diet anythingwhy not just drink gasoline and be done with it?), a carton of strawberries (which, as they were not in season, tasted like tiny, fuzzy raw potatoes), two pints of crea, that Betsy had already scored the raspberry ones, pureeing the soda that was not doing its job to defunk the fridge, fourteen bottles of water, a near-e, a cellophane-wrapped chunk of parmesan cheese so hard it could be used successfully as a blunt instrument, an unopened jar of lemon curd (whatever the hell that was), two cans of Diet Coke (Jessica was addicted to it; why is it that the chronically underweight were drawn to drink diet soda? And am I the only one to notice someone who drank seven cans a day ended up with cancer?), and so beneath the tin foil on a paper plateI just wasn&039;t up to exploring (I didn&039;t even knoe had paper plates), so I let it be

This is what co with va but salads and Diet Coke Unlike the coe, the freezer was full, but still weird It fairly bulged with bottles of a vodka brand I&039;d never heard of-Zyr-in various flavors The flavors were alphabetized The bottles were perfectly lined up; they were like cloudy glass soldiers at attention

As these were typical contents of the mansion&039;s kitchen freezer, I knew so in the back were liarlic, cherry, sun-dried tomato,this up, or exaggerating for humorous effect In a household of oddities and the undead, Tina was everywhere and nowhere She excelled at going unnoticed and she could pull that off anywhere in the worldexcept our kitchen freezer Vodka was her vice; the more obscure the flavor, thea succession of antique shot glasses, which were always kept chilled

Tina had offered to make me a drink once I had accepted Once

I did not have ti by Cub on the way to work and would be too tired after ain Green Mill was practically onthe freezer shut and my senses, instantly overwhelmed by someone they hadn&039;t sht there, went into overdrive My adrenal gland duallon of FOF into ht juice) and for a longto just quit froreeted rabbedh to berasp, "that&039;s the second ti one into your scalp, I swear to-" No, don&039;t swear to God; just hearing the G as like a whiplash to a vaht "I swear," I finished

Tina looked mildly distressed Most of her expressions were mild versions of what humanity could coe would cause her to raise one eyebrow and frown Frown sternly, but still

The smooth efficiency and profound, almost unshakable calm were at odds with her appearance Tina looked like an escapee from Delta Nu, the sorority Reese Witherspoon&039;s character ally Blonde (Great , please say aye")

Tina had long, honey blond hair-past her shoulders in rippling waves-and big, dark eyes, what Tina called pansy eyes Not only did Tina look too young to vote, she would probably get carded if she tried to buy cigarettes And she dressed to play up her appearance in a never-ending variety of kicky plaid skirts, white button-downs, anklets, everything but a backpack full of high school textbooks She looked like a walking, talking felony One far older and sht try out a little date rape

Also, she was about as noisy as an unplugged television If you don&039;t believe that, dude, you couldn&039;t feel ize, Marc I honestly don&039;t hten you" This was true, and scary in its oay-I hated to think what she could do to ht into it "We&039;re just two peas rattling around in a can &039;round here, aren&039;t we?"

She laughed a little and I noticed she had slipped again Most of the time, Tina had the smooth, accent-free tones of a weather reporter But occasionally a Southern accent would creep in I loved it when that happened because she see, talking, feeling person

Don&039;t h I was dying to learn all I could and trying to work up the nerve to ask Betsy if I could autopsy the next Big Bad she would inadvertently kill with a heretofore unknown superpower Nope; no real probleet back to their roots a bit more often

Besides, Tina made me nervous

And she knew sheI could discuss with Betsy, of courseal wasn&039;t what I would ever call a deep thinker As Susan Sarandon said in the greatest movie in the history of cinema, Bull Durham, "The world is made for people who aren&039;t cursed with self-awareness" The world was made, in other words, for people like Betsy

She had no time for "Hmm, Tina&039;s a quiet one, huh? Perhaps we should ponder what that signifies," particularly during the fall when she had to update her collection of winter footgear But it was there and I couldn&039;t deny it: Tina gave me the creeps

I knew she had been born the year the Civil War had begun

I knew she had been a va before Sinclair

I knew she had made Sinclair, had remained by his side all the years since then, and was his capable assistant

And that was all I knew about her And I only knew those things because Betsy had told me In other words, that was all Betsy knew about her, too And she was the queen, for the love of

Dude, there are all sorts of etiquette rules for living with va But it was hard to coet s I would love to learn

All this went through my head in about eleven seconds Meanwhile, Tina was still lurking-well, standing-by the fridge

"Will you have a drink with me?" She opened the freezer and reached for the first row of bottles I saw she had extractedency rooet to work," I said glumly

Curious, I waited a beat, but Tina did exactly what I anticipated "Oh, that&039;s too bad, Marc A pity you won&039;t have time to shop first"

Dude, if I had been Sinclair or Betsy, her ansould have been soive rocery list and I shall fill your fridge with any produce, meat by-products, Little Debbie snack cakes, and dairy products you desire and also pick up your dry cleaning on my way home, unless you would prefer I siinal recipe chicken"

Alas, it was not to be: not only was I alive and well, I was neither the va and untiring slave, not mine

Still, ere roommates You would think that would lead to some kind of bond The Sacred Rooallon of milk once in a while?

Chapter 11

The words wife or queen see in the air over our heads I had the sense that they weren&039;t asking these questions out of idle curiosity, or to be polite No, no Michael was a predator, of course, as Antonia had been, which meant he was constantly on the lookout for weakness He couldn&039;t help it Probably he didn&039;t even knoas doing it

Wife or queen? A question I had asked er, faster Older Richer Better educated More even-tempered, more in control Frankly, there were times-lots of times-when I wished I could just be the wife, and leave the whole vas no other vae of that, or at least acknowledge it So we existed in an interesting state of love and respect