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One

I used to be one of those weirdos who liked funerals; you believe that? People alear their best shoes to funerals Not weddings They&039;ll scope their closet, they&039;ll think about the bride or the grooo, "Yeah, I can wear these, I don&039;t need to go to thelast season&039;s pumps

But if it&039;s a funeral, they&039;ll think, "Aw, jeez, I was so mean to Aunt Ginny that time and now she&039;s dead," and out come the new Guccis

Me, I was so lucky So lucky I was so lucky I didn&039;t kno lucky I was; I&039;d think, "Jeez, Aunt Ginny was such a jerk to Cousin Brian, I wonder what he&039;s gonna wear to her funeral?" I never had to go to the funeral of anybody I really, really loved Well, except for my dad&039;s But I spent h pissed-off, so my focus was elsewhere (It turned out an evil librarian was out to get es fro involved Night Just awful)

My focus was often elsewhere, and too often, my focus was often in the exact place it should not be Case in point: my dead friend Marc (Also: the future, but I can&039;t think about that right now One soul-shriveling crisis at a tio (in my head, I meanin real life, it hasn&039;t even been five years), I talked a o, he killed hi How&039;s that for the Lex Luthor level of lame? Who doesn&039;t see so suicide? He practically wrote it on his forehead in red Sharpie

I wasn&039;t at his funeral, by the way Nobody was He&039;d strictly forbidden one in a number of letters he&039;d left for me; he also left his diary Words, words, they were all over the place He was nagging ood trick given that, nag-wise, he trailed only behind my friend Jessica Okay, and maybe my mom

I couldn&039;t stand to read too ly, and cry harder, and reat, but sad (Thus the name)

Still

The stuff I&039;ve read It&039;s like he kneas going to die within a few years ofme But he doesn&039;t say how he knew It&039;s all over his diary, it&039;s all over his suicide letters Who writes suicide letters? He wrote me a suicide manuscript, the heartless bastardhe knows if it&039;s not Gone with the Wind or Pat Conroy, I&039;ve got zero interest He kneas doomed, he had a plan, but what he never said hy

I found that kind of curious

I never find anything curious So I figure it&039;s a ti a Mary Sue thing here, but I am the vampire queen One of my best friends killed himself so that Evil Me from the Future (EMFTF, pronounced "e

So, yeah I&039;m pretty sure it&039;s not all about et to work

Don&039;t get too co

TWO

"What are you talking about, she&039;s dead?"

"Betsy, I&039;ve got a zillion things to do, ith creating life and all, so could you pay attention when I talk? Did you not see ht but did not say Jessica was too cold except when she was too hot, and she was starving except when she was throwing up or, worse, starving while throwing up (I didn&039;t even want to think how that was possible) She was angry and she was joyful She was tearful and she was enraged She was pissed and she was veno and-God please help us all-crying-pissed was the worst The very worst My super vaain, I realized, reht fro or pissed or nesting or pissed or nagging, she was horny Soarlic s at once, nesting and horny and pissed and horny and hungry and horny Nobody was brave enough to touch the olive jar in the kitchen And poor Detective Nick/Dick was starting to shamble about the place with the nine-hundred-yard stare

"Well, look" I was afraid to Look at what? At her? Why? Maybe she earing her giant, yellow and blue circus-tent shirt in a terrifying atteht hter and throw up in my nancy Jess had nothing in the knockers departer the case Luckily, seduction wasn&039;t on her ht now

We stared down at the body with more than a little surprise "What happened?"

"No idea I was headed to the baseigantic belly Like the stairasn&039;t dusty and dark and claustrophobic enough without The Fetus of the Darned hogging her stomach and also most of the stairwell "I could have broken my neck! Do you knohat a fall could have done toat all; the Michelin Man had less padding I didn&039;t say anything, though I wasn&039;t ever going to be lauded for enius, but that didn&039;tto sound terrible (even for uess the show did so well that now there are books about the Game of Thrones Orfantasy before I was voting age There was just too much of "I shall draw the mystical sword of Eldenwurst, thus named Soulsucker, and with mine eldritch blade will smite all enemies of the fey, but fear not, all ye who tremble before Soulsucker, I shall rule with a just hand and also the council of Geeks, now ye and ye, bring ht around chapter two Anyway, I&039;d never read the books, but the shoas pretty cool, and I got hooked on it

No That wasn&039;t true Marc had a huge crush on the Khal Drogo character, and he got me hooked on it So he&039;d come off shift froo&039;s unbelievable shoulders and what a doucheboat Viserys was

Wow, getting ahead of myself more than usualokay, so, in the first season of Game of Thrones, the unborn baby of one of the main characters was called The Stallion Who Mounted the World, a scary yet cool nickna The Belly That Ate the World She claimed she wasn&039;t due until suantic Gah: Twins? Triplets? Just what this place needed, three pissed-off newborns continually crying and pooping