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I am damned I am damned I am damned

Those words were the only ones I could utter as I stuht of les, my clothes torn and dirty Passersby looked atwith alarive me a wide berth Alht path Or I thought I had Perhaps I&039;d been a bit too confident in oeth before a fall, after all But surely the sin of pride didn&039;t warrant this severe a retribution

Surely it hadn&039;t been the hand of God that broughtto do with it Nor Satan himself, but a monster A creature far lory could ever be

For thirteen years I&039;d been as pure and as holy as I envisioned the very angels to be Froht my mother had leftshe&039;d coh I&039;d barely been old enough to know good from bad then, a nine-year-old child abandoned by her h, perhaps she would come back for me

She hadn&039;t But it had only served to convince h It only served to make ht hteousness for His name&039;s sake And I hadn&039;t left the to the refuge I&039;d found a them

My final voould have been spoken a week froht Just one more week And I wondered, for just a moment, if I&039;d have been safe from the monster had I taken the veil sooner Would my devotion have protectedto the steps of a beautiful cathedral I didn&039;t gaze up at the spires, or wonder at the beauty of the stained-glass s I couldn&039;t When I looked at the colors, er on the heavenly blues and greens and golds They focused instead on the bits of scarlet-colored glass, and on those alone And a hunger stirred froer, one I could not- would not-assuage

I&039;d gone out alone that wintry night, despite the sisters&039; dire warnings

My soft-soled shoessounds as I raced down the steep wooden stairs fro outside! The first snow of the winter, and how I loved it I&039;d been pacing my cha else for that lance at the small, white-faced clock onback to ly out at the snow

We were not a cloistered order, exactly We did go out a the worldly, but only in service to the Lord, or when Mother Mary Ruth saw it as absolutely necessary Tonight it was my turn to work at the shelter several blocks away And while I knew I should be rejoicing in the opportunity to serve God by helping my fellowin the opportunity to go out in that brand-ne

I pulled a light shawl over my habit, which was a simplified version of the ones the true sisters wore I&039;d have one like theirs soon In just over a hen I took my solemn vows

But my steps faltered as I reached the bottom of the staircase and saw Sister Rebecca, as to accoainst the newel post and looking sickly

"Sister, what&039;s wrong?" I rushed forward,to stay in tonight as at the thought of Sister Rebecca being ill We alorked in pairs at the shelter Always traveled there and back together

"Sto, like me It had been only a year since she&039;d taken her final vows, and I soht it was a shame she&039;d never ht it, a s doubt tried to creep up my nape and into my brain, but I shook it off This was the only life I&039;d ever known I re from beforethe worldly Besides, I wanted to be good

And there wasn&039;t a better as there?

"Don&039;t worry," Sister Rebecca said, valiantly lifting her chin and trying to paste a s off You&039;ve been looking forward to this all day" Had I been so obvious? I avertedout when you feel so poorly You should be in bed" I pressed a hand to her forehead, and felt heat there Then I turned her around, and helped her toward the stairs "Now, go on upstairs and rest I can certainly tend to the needs of the hoe of collapse" She stiffened, as I&039;d feared she would "You will o out alone! You know the mother superior&039;s rules!"

"Surely she&039;d make an exception if she knew you were sick She&039;d never insist you go with me"

"No She&039;d insist you stay here"

"Lucky for me she&039;s not here, then"

Sister Rebecca shook her head slowly "Look at you! Your eyes are sparkling tonight What has you so excited, Angelica?"

"The snow," I said, spinning around and stopping when I faced theand could see the snowflakes pirouetting in the glow of the streetlights outside "I want to be in it Feel it on my face" Her soft hand caelica"

"But this is the first," I said, and I faced her once rooman Groomen traipse about this city by thean

"Well, technically, I&039;elica"

I stopped on my way to the door, and turned to face her

She s eyes One strand of golden hair had escaped her wi-willed young woelica," she said, but her smile remained "And adventurous, and more than a little bit ht to the decision you&039;veto the shelter Mother superior can lectureout in the snow"

She nodded then, as if in defeat "Hurry then Don&039;t ht back here-" But I was already out the door

Oh, the snow! I&039;d always loved winter I tipped ainst my cheeks and ht do They coated everything I passed, like powdered sugar on parked cars and sidewalks and sills and front stoops And I know I dawdled, because it enchanted ic, that first snow of the winter Like a fairy tale co iddy over a siirl But I couldn&039;t helpto have co the rules of the order But I&039;d done so often enough in the past that the sisters must surely expect it by now I disliked rules I&039;d probably have to change my rebellious ways and conform a bit better once I took ain, that shiver of doubt Again, I shook it away I&039;d think about that later Not now All I wanted to do right noalk alone at night, breaking the rules with every step, and enjoy the snow

And that is precisely what I did When I finally reached the bus stop on the corner though, it was only to seeaithout me

It threw me, but only for a moment After all, I was aloodI livedGod, and surely no one else did so with such enthusias within the protection of His love In fact, I&039;ot that idea, I do not know It was not so I&039;d read in my studies But I felt it, all the same I felt surrounded by a protective shield that would let no harm come to me, and because of it, I foolishly decided to walk the six blocks to the shelter And that, I later realized, was the foolish pride that led to arbage-strewn alley The monster called out to me as I passed, and my steps slowed to a reluctant stop What a fool I was

"Sister! Sister, please, help entle puffs as I turned to look into the darkness, unable to see the owner of that plaintive voice I stood a little straighter, feeling a hint of fear for the first time "Who&039;s there?" I called "Come here, where I can see you"

"I can&039;t I&039;m hurt Please, Sister Don&039;t let me die here in the cold Help me !" My fear did not evaporate It was si confidence I was a servant of the Lord, and I would here even His els feared to tread, if that as necessary I&039;d help this poor soul in the alley But I&039;d be careful, cautious, wise Tentatively, I stepped into the blackness, and an icy shiver raced up ht to ht then not to go a single step farther

"Over here," he hted, busy street was out of reach And when I was close enough, still blind in the darkness, he cath of Sa htily, I struggled For though devout, I had never been timid or weak, or cowardly I kicked at him with a force that surely should have broken his shins And I boxed his ears hard enough to knock hirip, and tried to bite the hand overI did to him seemed to have any noticeable effect He didn&039;t flinch, or even draw a harsh breath My heart pounded so loudly it deafened ed

Praying for salvation froivefor my immortal soul, not the preservation of this life, this body

He threwthe rubbish so hard my breath was taken ahen I hit And then he caarbage The stench was sickening I caught my breath, parted ain He sat there, straddling me, and with his free hand he tore the wi handfuls of it

"Black satin," he whispered as he fingered led beneath him "Perfect I won&039;t be alone anymore"

I still could not see him well Only the shape of his face, and the darker wells of his eyes were visible

But I could not escape the feeling that he could see , you know I&039;ve chosen you, of the elica, for the gift you&039;re about to receive" I shook my head, but to no avail

"Yes Grateful," he went on "No cloistered order for you, my perfect one No vows You&039;re not meant for that You&039;re htly from my bed of refuse He bent to my throat, and my stomach turned when I felt the touch of his cold mouth on ht et for as long as I live

Indeed, the ht he would rape s when that creature bent over ht this

There was pain-brief, shocking pain, when his incisors pierced the tender skin of one, and I was left instead with the horror of as happening to me His mouth sucked at my neck as he drank the very lifeblood froh those two tiny holes infaded The stench of the garbage and the chill of the cold winter night The feel of those wet snowflakes onvanished, and I was left with nothing Every aspect of me was focused on the part of me where thisthe blood from it, were all that remained of the universe

He lifted his head I lay still, barely conscious, unable to lint of silver I couldn&039;t even feel alarm when it occurred to me that he held a blade That he would finishThe sounds of the city could no longer reachmy face into the crook of his neck, and he whispered, "Drink, Angelica

Drinkand live"

He forced me closer, his hand on the back of my head And my lips touched warmth, wetness on his throat I tried to draay, but my weakness would not allow it And the first taste of it touchedh asp, and ed into my mouth Had I not sed, I&039;d have drowned And if I&039;d been as devout as I&039;d prided , that&039;s precisely what I would have done Let ly into the ar myself to the instinctive need to stay alive But instead, I sed And that hen I first felt the power of this devilish hunger It shot throughall that I had ever been It took control, a need I couldn&039;t even identify I closed rily, greedily, I drank, and as I did, luttonous was I, that he had to pushvictie AndEvery aspect of his white face, and black eyes, and bloodstained lips Every grain of sand in the bricks of the building beside led with new life, neareness I felt in a way I&039;d never felt before The shape of each snowflake as it hit my skin Every molecule of chilly air that caressed my face Every pebble and piece of trash that lay beneath I could hear the conversations of people passing on the street The roll of tires on the wet pave of snow-dareen

"What is this?" I cried, and ly different, so vivid and rich and clear, that I pressed ht

"You&039;ll learn to control it," he told me "You can close it out, hear only what you wish to hear You&039;ll learn I&039;ll teach you" He removed my hands from my ears, pressed them to the rubbish at elica You&039;re not mortal anymore You&039;re like me now" I opened my eyes "Like you?" I was horrified