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CHAPTER 1

A soft shtens my face, and I can't hide how ht takes root inseeds of doubt I can't fathom why I feel that way It's not Sean At least, I don't think it is

I repress rin and search the crevices offat thought springs up like a Pop Tart fro the cere

Sean lifts his hand and runs his fingertips along er on my face as his hand strokesa word" He sounds disappointed, but he doesn't press me

"Sean—" I want to explain My joy s is difficult I verbally stu tohim

It's not him

Sean's tender touch is possessive and gentle It's an enigiant bed He's a th, yet he's soft and patient with me now

"It's just a thought You don't have to explain Avery" He's quick to speak, pitching his voice low as ifdoesn't hurt But his eyes tell a different story, pinning me in place with their intensity

The corner ofainst his I wrap my arms around him and clasp my hands behind his thick neck, half naked,yes I want to be your wife—I just don't want our wedding here I don't want Henry standing there while I say ed breath, trying not to relive those moments

My gaze slides to the bed I focus on the texture of the raw silk comforter, the way it weaves in and out, the way the fibers vary in appearance So the weave stand out, s exquisite

Sean's fingers are on aze to meet his His lips are full and soft from sex The stubble on his face is darker than usual, and the worry typically pinching his brows is, for once, absent He's afraid, of me, of what I'll say, but he forces his walls down I want to cry fro it's all for me

"Tellthe back of his palhis hand to his lap

I think for a hts battle inside my head One insists that I marry him noe may never have another chance The other requires this entire clusterfuck behind us before we co that should be a joyful occasion

Sean tips his head, catchingso"

"I want both," I tell him "I want to marry you in a ceremony far away from here, so in your undivided attention" I wring et that, do we?"

"What do you mean?"

"Some people have simple lives, but that's never been true for you, has it? I don't want unrealistic expectations" Besides, I ruined my life plenty, too Eventually, the ramifications of that will shake out The only reason they haven't caught up toand locking

He watchesmy face and nods "Askaround it, but you're too afraid Ask me, Avery I'll tell you"

This exposed version of Sean unnerves , and that's not always a good idea I don't knohat my proble I want a white dress and a happy day? Traditions never mattered to me before, why do I suddenly want them now?

My ht words I look up at hi you did, I swear it's not I just have this hunch our lives will always be like this, complicated beyondhis eyes "I' it, but it's there It's like we're cursed" I trip on the "we" part, and it's clear I have a different thought floating around in my mind

Sean doesn't miss it Just as the concept materializes in my head, he says it "You think I'm damned You think I'll pull you doith me" There's no question in his voice He pushes off the bed, stands and runs his hands through his hair, leavinghis emotions in physical form

I na that scares him

I ju his hands His interpretation ofaround hiet back in I press aze "That's not what I'"

"Don't lie to me"

"I', Sean I love you so e I don't want the things that have happened—or the events yet to be—to crush you Add in your proble for the sins of your parents until you die, and it feels hopeless" He tries to pull back, and

step away fro along the lean, firainst his lower chest The height difference between us overwhelms, so I rise on my toes until we're nearly eye to eye

"I want us to be happy, and I knohat that means for you" I take his face in my palms His walls are somewhere in the middle, not all the way up, but not dropped the way they'd been "I don't kno to get over this part of my life"

"How do you mean?"

My lips slowly for off a band-aid It stings "How do I reconcile who I aive ood person, not anys thrust upon you, Sean None of it was your fault But this" I drop back down,into the thick carpet

"Avery—"

He tries to cutI opened Pandora's box and released all my evil spirits into the world "Vic, Henry, and Black—I did that That was all me!"

"You didn't have a choice—"

I laugh bitterly "I don't deserve you I don't deserve a happy life" My eyes swipe to the side, and my stomach sinks "I'm a horrible person I blamed you for my problems because I couldn't live with myself otherwise—not with my sins I whored, lied, cheated, stole, killed, and whatever will happen tomorrow"

The unshed tears init appear warped Sean stares at hts, and I'm too afraid to look at his face

I suck in a shaky breath and spit out the rest "My own parents would find an I don't deserve a white dress or a sweet little house I almost screwed that psycho downstairs for money I didn't mind at the time What kind of ould that make me?"

I've been talking so rapidly it al around, punctuating each thought with a staccato movement By my final words, htly into the crooks of my elbows, pinned in place

Head bowed, I realize my problem is me

I can't accept who I've become

I don't kno

I'm not sure if I can

Adeeply, wondering if he can love irl you one"

"Avery—"