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Chapter 1
CHRISTMAS CREEPS
Christging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe
Pine Cove, her pseudo-Tudor architecture all tarted up in holiday quaintage-twinkle lights in all the trees along Cypress Street, fake snon into the corner of every shop's s,illuht-opened to the droves of tourists fro for a truly ful moment of Christe-a toy town, really, withroo as a drunken prom queen, as Christ, and with Christmas this year, would come the Child Both were vast and irresistible, andonly one of the two
Which is not to say that the locals didn't get into the Christmas spirit The teeks before and after Christmas provided a welcome wave of cash into the town's coffers, tourist-starved since summer Every waitress dusted off her Santa hat and clip-on reindeer antlers and checked to ood pens in her apron Hotel clerks steeled thes, while housekeepers switched from their normal putrid baby-powder air fresheners to a more festive putrid pine and cinnamon Down at the Pine Cove Boutique they put a "Holiday Special" sign on the hideous reindeer sweater and marked it up for the tenth consecutive year The Elks, Moose, Masons, and VFWs, ere basically the sauys, planned furiously for their annual Christmas parade down Cypress Street, the theme of which this year would be Patriotism in the Bed of a Pickup (mainly because that had been the theme of their Fourth of July parade and everyone still had the decorations) Many Pine Covers even volunteered to man the Salvation Army kettles down in front of the post office and the Thrifty-Mart in two-hour shifts, sixteen hours a day Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics
"Give up the cash, you cheap son of a bitch," said Lena Marquez, orking the kettle that Monday, five days before Christ Dale Pearson, Pine Cove's evil developer, through the parking lot, ringing the bejeezus out of him as he headed for his truck On his way into the Thrifty-Mart, he'd nodded to her and said, "Catch you on the way out," but when he eroceries and a bag of ice, he blew by her kettle like she was using it to render tallow fro inspectors' butts and he needed to escape the stench
"It's not like you can't afford a couple of bucks for the less fortunate"
She rang her bell especially hard right by his ear and he spun around, swinging the bag of ice at her about hip level
Lena juht, lean, dark-skinned, with the delicate neck and finely set jawline of a fla black hair was coiled into two Princess Leia cinnabuns on either side of her Santa hat "You can't take a swing at Santa! That's wrong in so many ways that I don't have time to enumerate them"
"You linting off a new set of veneers he'd just had installed on his front teeth He was fifty-two, al carpenter's shoulders that were still wide and square, despite the beer gut hanging below
"I-and you're cheap," and with that Lena put the bell next to his ear again and shook it like a red-suited terrier shaking the life out of a screa brass rat
Dale cringed at the sound and swung the ten-pound bag of ice in a great underhanded arc that caught Lena in the solar plexus and sent her backpedaling across the parking lot, gasping for breath That's when the ladies at BULGES called the cops-well, cop
BULGES was a wo lot of the Thrifty-Mart, and fro machines, the BULGES members could watch the ins and outs of the localSo what had started as a e for the six of the lot, turned quickly to shock as the evil developer thwacked the Latin Santa-ette in the breadbasket with a satchel of asped, but Georgia Bauhtto lose fifteen pounds by Christmas and fit into a red-sequined sheath cocktail dress her husband had bought for her in a fit of sexual idealism-bowled backward off her treada students who had been practicing on the mats behind her
"Ow, my ass chakra!"
"That's you're root chakra"
"Feels like my ass"
"Did you see that? He nearly knocked her off her feet Poor thing"
"Should we see if she's all right?"
"Someone should call Theo"
The exercisers opened their cell phones in unison, like the Jets flicking switchblades as they gaily danced into a West Side Story gang-fight to the death
"Why did she ever uy, anyway?"
"He's such an asshole"
"She used to drink"
"Georgia, are you all right, honey?"
"Can you get Theo by calling 911?"
"That bastard is just going to drive off and leave her there»
"We should go help"
"I've got twelve "
"The cell reception in this town is horrible"
"I have Theo's number on speed dial, for the kids Let me call"
"Look at Georgia and the girls It looks like they were playing Twister and fell"
"Hello, Theo This is Jane down at BULGES Yes, well, I just glanced out thehere and I noticed that there ht be a problem over at the Thrifty-Mart Well, I don't want to meddle, but let's just say that a certain contractor just hit one of the Salvation Ar of ice Well, I'll look for your car, then" She flipped the phone shut "He's on his way"
Theophilus Crowe's led Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Ji heliuot the device open, five people in the produce section of the Thrifty-Mart were giving hiht there in his cart He grinned as if to say, Sorry, I hate these things, too, but what aw you gonna do? then he answered, "Constable Crowe," just to re around here, he was THE LAW
"In the parking lot of the Thrifty-Mart? Okay, I'll be right there»
Wow, this was convenient One thing about being the resident lawman in a town of only five thousand people-you were never far from the trouble Theo parked his cart on the end of the aisle and loped by the registers and out the auto lot (He was a denihty, and he only had three speeds, amble, lope, and still) Outside he found Lena Marquez doubled over and gasping for breath Her ex-husband, Dale Pearson, was stepping into his four-wheel-drive pickup
"Right there, Dale Wait," Theo said
Theo ascertained that Lena had only had the wind knocked out of her and was going to be okay, then addressed the stocky contractor, who had paused with one boot on the running board, as if he'd be on his way as soon as the hot air cleared out of the truck
"What happened here?"
"The crazy bitch hit me with that bell of hers"
"Did not," gasped Lena
"I got a report you hit her with a bag of ice, Dale That's assault"
Dale Pearson looked around quickly and spotted the crowd of woy for the various machines they had been on when the debacle unfolded "Ask theht upside my head I just reacted out of self-defense"
"He said he'd donate when he came out of the store, then he didn't," Lena said, her breath co back "There's an implied contract there He violated it And I didn't hit him"