Page 8 (2/2)

She can be kind of a bitch so held, but e get there, he's still tied to the bed fraainst a wall, all naked and covered in blood, even his junk And the blue ho is dead on the floor

And I'm all, "Uh-oh"

And the Countess is all, "Yep"

And she says so about how the blue ho , because if Tommy had drained her, she would have turned to dust and there would have been no body Anyway, the cab ride back to the loft was tr??s aard, you knoith Flood naked and covered with blood and the two of them all, "Oh I love you" and, "Oh I love you, too" And I was being kind of a mopey little emo queen because I was jealous of both of them because they had their dark and eternal love for each other and I had like er

So that was good The rescue and whatnot Because we found the old vampyre art money that the Animals had paid to the blue ho, which was like a half a million dollars But then we found out that the blue ho was not dead, but somehow had accidentally drunk so his torture and now she was nosferatu And she turned all the Aniood way

And the old va after To shit out of Williae Cat Guy while Jared and I watched from an alley across the street

I know! We were all, "Whoa?"

So it's like, Christht show of The Nightmare Before Christmas at the Metreon And we're all traue cat guy, and the Countess calls us And she and my Dark Lord Flood meet us for coffee at this Chinese diner, which is like the only thing open because the Chinese totally blow off Christons or firecrackers in the story

Note to self: Write narrative poeiven baby Jesus firecrackers, a dragon, and mu-shu pork instead of that other crap

So, after all night drinking coffee laced with Jared's blood and getting the story on the old vao back to the loft and there, in the stairway, is the old vauy peed on sta yellow tracksuithiuy)

So we like ran, and we had to hide e when they went out at dawn No yawning or anything-they just became dead Well, undead

So rapped thes and duct tape and moved them to Jared's basement lair in Noe Valley (His basement lair is sacrosanct-his father and stepay porn-so it was safe for the masters) Meanwhile, I went back to the loft to feed Chet the huge shaved cat and decapitate the old vaet extra-credit points with the masters, but it turned out that I had not calculated sundown quite right Since when does the sun go down at like five o'clock? That's just fucking juvenile

Anyhen I' around upstairs And I'ht into the arms of this blond ho, who it turns out is the blue ho, who is now nosferatu, along with three of her vampyre minions who used to be the Animals I know, "Uh-oh"

So she grabs me and is just about to tear rabs her by the neck and puts her face print in the hood of a Mercedes He's all, "You're breaking the rules, ho You can't just go turning people willy-nilly"

So I was doing a e at the blond ho, when they all turned on er, but just the saroup suck on my pale fra out of the alley, and everything goes white light around the car And a-haired love monkey, Foo, is totally in hero shades, and he's all, "Get in"

'Kayso, he swept ed with ultraviolet floodlights that totally toasted the vaht there in the car if I was not trying to maintain my detached aura of aristocratic chill So instead I kissed him within an inch of his life, then slapped him so he didn't think I was his personal slut, which I totally was Would be

It turns out that Steve, which is Foo Dog's day-slave na out the Countess Jody's apartured out that she was a vampyre when some blood from one of the old vamp's victims turned up in his heenius, in addition to havingskills

Then Foo dropped me off at Tulley's on Market, where I met Jared and Jody, who sneaked by Jared's parents by pretending to be lovers, which is disgusting in so ed a little when I typed it (Jared is er, as the Countess affectionately refers to him)

So the Countess is all, "I'et the money"

And I'm all, "No, the old vampyre"

And she is all, "He is not the boss of )

And I'm all, "Whatever, make sure you feed Chet"

So we go back to Jared's, and e get there, the va to cli queen, like Dracula does in the book (only in the book it's not in the Castro and Dracula isn't after a drag queen)

Note to self: When I am finally made nosferatu, do not try to climb face-doall

So then my sweet love ninja Foo shows up And he's all, "I couldn't leave you out here, unprotected" And secretly I was all, "You rock my stripy socks, Foo," but publically I just kissed hiot in his fly Honda and went back to the loft

When we got there, the second-floor ere open, and Flood could hear that the old vampyre was up there with Jody

And Foo was all, "Letduster that's covered with little glass warts And Foo is all, "UV LEDs Like sunlight"

The street-level fire door was locked, so Flood was all, "I'll go"

But Foo was all, "No, it will burn you"

But they covered Flood all over, gloves, hat, and a gas-y and whatnot, then he put on the duster Foo gave hi the street like a half-pipe, running up a building on one side, then up the other, until he goes feetfirst through the upstairsPersonally, I think the Countess could have just juer than Flood and has better skills

'Kayso, there's this blinding white light fro we know, the old va coets up all blackened and snarly and whatnot, and Foo holds up his UV floodlight and he's all, "Step off, vampyre scum" And the old vampyre ran off

Then Flood co way more dead than usual, and we took theure out what to do Foo stole soave it to Flood and the Countess so they could heal And Foo's all, "You know, I've been working on the blood I found on the victims, and I think I can reverse the process I can turn you huain"

Which is totally why he had been stalking the Countess when I met him So Tommy and Jody were all, "We'll think about it"

'Kayso, Flood is holding Jody on the bed, and they're talking softly, but I can hear the And it is clear that their love is eternal and will last for eons, but Flood doesn't like being a va a va like a little wuss-girl forto split up just as the sun rises and they go out

And I was all, "Oh, hell no"

So I had them bronzed

I' at them now We posed theether unto the end of tiure out how to let them out and not have them tear out our throats and whatnot Foo says it's cruel, but the Countess told o to mist, and when they are ood

But Foo did figure out his seruy We lured the Ani the fly leather jacket that Foo made me, complete with the UV LED warts, which is very cool and cyber, I drugged theed theuy said he saw three young vampyres take the old vainormous yacht, so we don't have to worry about them anymore

Foo wants to cut Flood and Jody out of the bronze statue during the day, while they are sleeping, and turn them back to human But the Countess doesn't want that So I think we should just wait We have this tr??s cool apartment, and all of the money, and Foo almost has his o home like twice a week so thethere (The key was to condition her froe twelve that sleepovers are nor the frog, which I don't knohat it means, but it sounds darkly mysterious)

So, we are secure in our love nest and as soon as Foo gets ho to reward hi is screeching outside BRB

Fucksocks! It's Chet the huge shaved vaer, and I think he ate aand there's an empty uniform on the curb

Bad kitty! GTG L8erz