Page 91 (2/2)
That’s what I’ when I put the phone to my ear—but it’s not how I feel I wish it were I wish I could say Hello? and hear West say Hey, and not feel … I don’t even know Plugged in Lit up Juiced
I stand in my dark bedroo on the other end of the phone, somewhere on the far side of the country
I have too many memories that start this way Too many conversations where I told myself I wouldn’t and then I did
I have this enor and pain, so heavy I can hear it in my voice when I snap, “What do you want?”
“My dad’s dead”
My head clears in an instant,to a point
“He got shot,” West says, “and it’s … it’s a fucking mess, Caro I know this is—I shouldn’t ask you I can’t ask you, but I just need to tell you because I can’t fucking—” A crackling whooshing noise interrupts him, the kind of interference that fills your whole head hite sound I just stand there, waiting for his voice to come back
I’ainst my ear, my breath shallow and fast, aith the kind of clarity I’ve only found in moments of crisis that it doesn’t even matter Whatever he says next It doesn’t matter
The thing I never understood before West was that there are soic are never going to be in charge
He left me He hurt me
But I stand there in the dark, holding the phone, and I know that in a few hours I’ll be on a plane
Caroline
I eht of West leaning against a dirty black truck The first thing I think is, He cut his hair
The second thing I think is, Maybe he did it for her
If there is a her I’ve never been able to accept that there is, despite what West said
If she exists, she’s not here I am
West looks scary Stubble covers his scalp, a dark shadow that throws the shapes of his face into relief: jawline, cheekbones, eye sockets, protruding brow, jutting chin, scowling mouth
Theto a brawler
The West who left uy, so, hard, lances in an over a new green top that cost too ner jeans Impractical flats Ridicu
lous clothes for August, because it’s always cold when you’re flying
I wanted to look nice, but I got it wrong I got everything wrong, and yet I think nothing I’ve done is as wrong as whatever is wrong with him