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But it was hard not to, because even in my blindness I noticed he was an extremely attractive itated with nothing e firmness of his touch Sandy blond hair, a broad face and ht as they looked It was just the sun, I thought, that ular It was only the sun that lued

I pushed into , and I norht still be back there by the stage door, and for soain Instead I resigned myself to small talk with Ellie Elinor was a dyed-in-the-wool dancer, artistic and pure Talking to her was like driving wood chips under ured I’d rather face the elbow grabber in the hall

But he was gone I burst fro up Grégoire, the blessed antidote to Elinor Grégoire was as far froeous, gay euro-boy colish like it was his bitch I wished often that I was a man because I loved him so much

“How are you, gorgeous?” he asked, ruffling my hair

“I’m fine”

“How’s Pietro? You posed today, huh?”

“Yeah, he’s fine He’s good”

Grégoire was both fascinated and jealous of un as Pietro’ssession Now he seees?” I asked

“He’s out of town for the week I ht”

I braced, hoping he wouldn’t go into details, but of course he did I listened, half aroused and half aghast Georges and Grégoire shared a pretty intense sex life, uessed it was a sugar daddy gay thing but yeah, it turnedto the rasp, and I wondered what his sex life was like A garden of delights, like Georges and Grégoire enjoyed, or the bland but satisfying niceness that Joe and I endured? And yes, I had only endured it

Outwardly, I guess most would have been happy He made love to me with such care and attention, it would have made any woasms He made love to me with such careful attention that it crossed the line fro orse than when he went down onof it, how considerate and solicitous he’d been When I shuddered, Grégoire thought I was cold and pulled me closer

“Let’s pretend we’re married,” he said

“Again? We pretend that every day”

He put his big hand on my ass and squeezed it “This time, pretend like you mean it, Lu” The sway of his hips oire was not a swishy gay h he could be if he wanted to He was actually quite proud of his straight act, which he honed and perfected His lover, Georges, was not cooire out around town, he was expected to act straight And of course as a dancer, Grégoire had to be masculine and he was Actually, people assumed ere lovers because he was so absolutely ether And I suppose in a ere lovers There’s really no other way to express that dynamic between devoted partners who really know each other Who know each other’s center, each other’s lines and planes and joints Grégoire knew me like a ball player knows his ball, like a musician knows his instrument, like a carpenter knows his tools He was attuned to every single thing about me and my body, and when he danced with me everyone could tell

Of course, I had other partners I danced with ood and skilled and knew oire was my partner, my best match, and I was his It was a wonderful relationship, one I felt blessed to have

Later that night, I woke up at three AM frohts a week, the feeling of having a hand clamped over my mouth so I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t screa, the desperate need to cry, to weep I knew that if I could only cry, things et better The need for me to cry was so acute that it was painful I screwed up my face, tried to force those wet droplets fro, no tears came They never did

These night before my recent breakup with Joe

That dry tense feeling when the tears wouldn’t co I used to actually screa the tears toand banging on the door to see if I was all right I assured thehtht

If you saw me from the outside, you would never suspect that I was a person oke up regularly with the excruciating need to screareen eyes no matter how hard I willed it That I was a person as dead inside

The truth hurts, but that’s what I was My body was the only thing that made me alive

On the outside, I just looked like a normal person A dancer with a healthy body, muscular and lithe I had very pale skin, the result of a life inside theaters and studios, hours at the barre

My hair was red, longish length, and waved into curls when I didn’t have it up Andspectacular eithernot like his, I foundNo, I looked totally typical and normal from the outside Not to say I was a depressed, unhappy person either I don’t kno to describe what I was I guess I was so to beco twenty-nine

On Wednesdays my company had a traditional class before rehearsals I ca to collide with the blue-eyed et hied one touch, been in each other’s space five seconds at most

What had he been doing backstage anyway? I kneasn’t a dancer He was too old, and had been wearing b

usiness clothes I didn’t recognize him as any of the administrative suits He certainly wasn’t the type of anized and ran small dance companies What type ofvery powerful, I thought, and I don’t knohy I was so certain of that Had he ever seen me dance? And why should I care? I went into the rehearsal roo in frustration I started to stretch next to Grégoire at the barre Reach Bend Breathe Point I flexed th in e of ache My an and I soon lost ony, the soothe and sweep of modern dance

Our coh we used classical technique and even soraphers and non-traditional ing more and more fans to our shows We were a relatively s and had just er theater space earlier in the year

And my place in this scrappy little coh when you dance for a small company and don’t make much money, you don’t feel like a star

Nor did I have o I didn’t dance for the ovation I danced because I had to dance, because it ho I was But I was able to do the raphy, which earned ood life, and now, since my breakup with Joe, it had become my whole life for better or worse

These exercises were bone h them half asleep

Point Reach Turn Bend It was so simple and precise It was comfortable absentia, a mantra for the body that I couldn’t live without I leaned back into a graceful, languorous stretch I soire’s eyes over my shoulder Then my smile froze and I aloire’s shoulder, my eyes found him