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Cara

In the movie version of my life, the director would probably start with a brief tease It’d be one dramatic snapshot to show you just how abnoret

They’d probably open with a black screen that slowly brightened until a fuzzy ie became clear

There I’d be, looking like I just got thrown fro to land on the wet pavement Face up, of course—for cinematic reasons

The camera would rotate and rise upwards so you had plenty of ti here” look written all over it

The average viewer ht away But that was okay It would add to the drama

If they were a person of taste, they ed on clearance

If they were a nitpicker, they et stuck on my black-haired pixie cut that was in desperate need of a trim

And if they were an asshole, they’d probably laugh to see a gym membership card on my keychain—the same keychain that was dramatically strewn a few feet from my outstretched hand

And yes, I’d been on a little fitness hiatus since New Year’s Okay? And no, I wasn’t talking about this past New Year’s or even the one before it

But even the assholes in the audience would feel bad when they noticed the most important detail in the scene

Cue the slowly growing pool of blood spreading from behind me

A good director would change the caave a shot of e and let you see him

There he’d be, approaching me from the shadoith concern all over his offensively hot face

So his impeccable jawline and to-die-for eyebrows they’d see the teeth That is when the real question would start to form

They’d ask theination?”