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STEP SUBMISSION

I sat quietly in the backseat of ainst the ith lass The leather, buttery and unbroken, smelled like brand new, a side-effect of the seat war its aroma, I supposed

It had been six long months since the last time I’d seen him Beside me, he sipped a bottle of water—not his usual fare, but he was trying to be sensitive—and stared atto look like they’re not staring His eyes kept fixing on my face, but would for a an hanging listlessly from it The last time he’d seen me, I’d been heavier, fuller Noas a shade, a shadow, a fraction of the woman I used to be

This wasn’t what he iot better He hadn’t been prepared

Well, tough shit Neither had I

I closed y blonde hair fall in front of my face As much as he didn’t want to see me, I didn’t want to see him It was tooin the street ready to burn away anything I touched I wasn’t ready yet No matter what anyone said, I wasn’t ready to come home

They don’t prepare you for leaving rehab Not really Sure, you get so, soed to “make amends,” which honestly just makes everybody feel like shit and only vindicates the facility itself Everything about it is aard, dredging up shit that everyone involved would just rather forget Our friends and fa them

But the counselors insist So we do it, hoping that it’s just oneback our freedom Independence becomes a romantic notion when you’re locked away from the rest of the world At first it breeds rebellion, then deter to hold onto, a shining star in the twilight that you wish on as you recall only the good things about what being outside those walls was like But as youball of gas that consuht so bright it’s a wonder it hasn’t made you blind already And once you realize what freedo aloneness, even when you’re surrounded by people—you start to avoid it You adapt to your walls, your cell, your enforced routines

And that, the facilities decide in all their learned wisdoo home

The car stopped and I opened h the canopy of trees above They were old oak, gnarled and reaching, their boughs plagued by Spanish Moss that stretched toward the ground like giant tears They had deep roots in the land that spread like a vast ocean on each side of the unpaved drive past the wrought iron gates and wrapped around a ed in Antebellum Louisiana than it did anywhere else

It was the faenerations by descendants of its owners And noas my stepbrother’s I just hoped Kennith was the only one who still lived there I wasn’t interested whatsoever in seeing our parents

The thought of Daddy sitting in his wing-backed chair reading the Wall Street Journal and avoiding e ofon the front porch entered arette holder, sanguine lips parted to release a pluan to tunnel

Panic attacks had been a real probleave up the addiction that had been keeping you sane for six years

Kennith’s hand on my shoulder startled me, but a moment later, the warmth from his palm eased my nerves as well I looked over at him for the first ti brown eyes still and deep like hot whiskey

“Your old roo from mine “Or you can pick a new one Whichever you’d like”

I felt my muscles relax So, it was just the two of us That was better than the alternative

I looked again at the house that haunted so hts easily stole back to this place, with its s like e on end They bordered a gaping maw of a door, and despite Kennith’s assurances, I felt that prickling sensation roll down ain

“Come on,” he said when I didn’tme to follow

The world seely expansive There was soI’d spend half a year in Even the outdoors had been confined back there I’d forgotten how big the world was outside of those walls, and noas overwhel

I stayed close to Kennith’s side as he ledback to retrieve s from the trunk of the car I hadn’t carried much with ather s, and anyway, there wasn’t much I really wanted other than the sweet taste of liquor and the man who had driven me to it In those last months, I’d spent more time in the arms of vodka or whiskey than I had in Caleb’s, and I found its e than his, anyway

And yet, inwith hi but a void and him and me He

was the twinkling stars, the shining moon, the atmosphere far below But he was also the lack of air, the crushing cold of dead space, and the weightlessness that let o of hiness forever and ever—or co up on i over the world we’d left behind

That was exactly how it felt now It felt like I was floating, alone in the dark, not knowing if I would go on forever like this or if I would soet pulled into orbit and fall, fall, fall…

Kennith stopped at the door He sh, al at anymore

“Things have… changed while you’ve been gone,” he said at last “The house looks different”

I scowled, even though I didn’t want to “I’irl I won’t shatter into a thousand pieces just because you’ve rearranged some furniture”

“I know you won’t,” he answered with a soft frown “I just didn’t want you to be shocked That’s all”

I nodded, drawing in a deep breath through my nose to quell the inexplicable frustration inside ofbut supportive for my entire stint He’d called me whenever he could, even on the days when I couldn’t bear to call hi days, even the ones where I was too pathetic to do more than sit and watch the coht rown up in, a ho by its emptiness

“Evie,” I h the haze of time “Doesn’t she live here with you?”

Kennith shook his head “That ship has sailed I keep forgetting you’ve been away for so long Come on inside, and I’ll help you catch up”

I stared, holding my breath as Kennith slowly pushed open the door to the hter and warmer than I’d remembered it

It was as though, inabout the ho fro The walls no longer pressed in on me, and the shadows that had once haunted every corner of the place had fled, leaving behind the warlow of the uilty for returning, as though it was my absence that had bestowed new life upon the house

But I kneasn’t because ofthrough the halls, her heels click-clacking on the tile and the hardwood floors It was because norance did not hang over us like a shroud any longer It was because Kennith was the nener, and for that, I was grateful

“I’d like a new room,” I said quickly and a little too loud My voice echoed, and I grimaced Rehab nized my own tone “Please,” I said much more softly this time