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According to the First Scroll of Wen the Eternally Surprised, Wen stepped out of the cave where he had received enlightenht of the first day of the rest of his life He stared at the rising sun for some time, because he had never seen it before He prodded with a sandal the dozing form of Clodpool the apprentice, and said: 'I have seen Now I understand' Then he stopped, and looked at the thing next to Clodpool 'What is that a?' he said 'Ererit's a tree, master,' said Clodpool, still not quite awake 'Remember? It was there yesterday'

'There was no yesterday'

'ErerI think there was,to his feet 'Remember? We came up here and I cooked abecause you didn't want it'

'I rehtfully 'But the memory is in my head now Was yesterday real? Or is it only the memory that is real? Truly, yesterday I was not born' Clodpool's face becaonized inco,' said Wen 'In the cup of the hand there is no past, no future There is only now There is no tireat deal to do' Clodpool hesitated There was solow in his eyes and, when he hts in the air, like reflections fro,' Wen went on 'I know that time was made for men, not the other way round I have learned how to shape it and bend it I kno to make a moment last for ever, because it already has And I can teach these skills even to you, Clodpool I have heard the heartbeat of the universe I know the answers to ave hi for it to be early in thethat he currently knew for sure 'Erwhat does master want for breakfast?' he said Wen looked down from their caolden daylight creating the world, and mused upon certain aspects of humanity 'Ah,' he said 'One of the difficult ones'

For so to exist, it has to have a position in time and space And this explains why nine-tenths of the mass of the universe is unaccounted for Nine-tenths of the universe is the knowledge of the position and direction of everything in the other tenth Every atoraphy, every star its file, every chee its equivalent of the inspector with a clipboard It is unaccounted for because it is doing the accounting for the rest of it, and you cannot see the back of your own head[1] Nine-tenths of the universe, in fact, is the paperwork And if you want the story, then remember that a story does not unwind It weaves Events that start in different places and different times all bear down on that one tiny point in space-ti an emperor was persuaded to wear a new suit of clothes whose material was so fine that, to the common eye, the clothes weren't there And suppose a little boy pointed out this fact in a loud, clear voice Then you have The Story of the Emperor Who Had No Clothes But if you knew a bit more, it would be The Story of the Boy Who Got a Well-Deserved Thrashing fro Rude to Royalty, and Was Locked Up Or The Story of the Whole Crowd Who Were Rounded Up by the Guards and Told 'This Didn't Happen, Okay? Does Anyone Want to Argue?' Or it could be a story of hohole kingdom suddenly saw the benefits of the 'new clothes', and developed an enthusias atot many new adherents every year, and led to a recession caused by the collapse of the conventional clothing industry It could even be a story about The Great Pneumonia Epide you'd watched the slow accretion of snow over thousands of years as it was colacier calved its icebergs into the sea, and you watched an iceberg drift out through the chilly waters, and you got to know its cargo of happy polar bears and seals as they looked forward to a brave new life in the other hemisphere where they say the ice floes are lined with crunchy penguins, and then whaedy loomed in the shape of thousands of tons of unaccountably floating iron and an exciting sound trackyou'd want to know the whole story And this one starts with desks

This is the desk of a professional It is clear that their job is their life There are hue allows in a chilly world of duty and routine Mostly they're on the only piece of real colour in this picture of blacks and greys It's a coffeeIt bears a rather unconvincing picture of a teddy bear, and the legend 'To The World's Greatest Grandad' and the slight change in the style of lettering on the word 'Grandad' makes it clear that this has cos like this, declaring that they're for the world's greatest Grandad/Dad/Mum/Granny/Uncle/Aunt/Blank Only someone whose life contains very little else, one feels, would treasure a piece of gimcrackery like this It currently holds tea, with a slice of lemon The bleak desktop also contains a paperknife in the shape of a scythe and a nu in a skeletal handand took a sip, pausing only to look again at the wording he'd read thousands of times before, and then put it down VERY WELL, he said, in tones of funeral bells SHOW ME The last item on the desktop was a ht kind of word for it Most of it o discs One was horizontal and contained a circlet of very small squares of ould prove to be carpet The other was set vertically and had a large number of arms, each one of which held a very small slice of buttered toast Each slice was set so that it could spin freely as the turning of the wheel brought it doards the carpet disc I BELIEVE I AM BEGINNING TO GET THE IDEA, said Death The sure by the machine saluted smartly and beales over its eye sockets, hitched up its robe and clambered into the machine Death was never quite sure why he allowed the Death of Rats to have an independent existence After all, being Deathrodents of all descriptions But perhaps everyone needs a tiny part of themselves that can, metaphorically, be allowed to run naked in the rain[3], to think the unthinkable thoughts, to hide in corners and spy on the world, to do the forbidden but enjoyable deeds Slowly, the Death of Rats pushed the treadles The wheels began to spin 'Exciting, eh?' said a hoarse voice by Death's ear It belonged to Quoth, the raven, who had attached himself to the household as the Death of Rats' personal transport and crony He was, he always said, only in it for the eyeballs

The carpets began to turn The tiny toasties slapped down randomly, sometimes with a buttery squelch, sometimes without Quoth watched carefully, in case any eyeballs were involved Death saw that so aslice An even more complex one measured the number of buttered carpets After a couple of complete turns the lever of the buttered carpet ratio device had moved to 60 per cent, and the wheels stopped WELL? said Death IF YOU DID IT AGAIN, IT COULD WELL BE THAT- The Death of Rats shifted a gear lever and began to pedal again SQUEAK, it commanded Death obediently leaned closer This tih as 40 per cent Death leaned closer still The eight pieces of carpet that had been buttered this time were, in their entirety, the pieces that had been wheels whirred in the s, with an effect that was the visual equivalent of the word 'boing' A moment later two sparklers spluttered fitfully into life and sizzled away on either side of the word: MALIGNITY Death nodded It was just as he'd suspected He crossed his study, the Death of Rats scath mirror It was dark, like the bottom of a well There was a pattern of skulls and bones around the frame, for the sake of appearances; Death could not look himself in the skull in a mirror with cherubs and roses around it The Death of Rats climbed the frame in a scrabble of claws and looked at Death expectantly from the top Quoth fluttered over and pecked briefly at his own reflection, on the basis that anything orth a try SHOW ME, said Death SHOW ME MY THOUGHTS A chessboard appeared, but it was triangular, and so big that only the nearest point could be seen Right on this point was the world - turtle, elephants, the little orbiting sun and all It was the Discworld, which existed only just this side of total improbability and, therefore, in border country In border country the border gets crossed, and sos creep into the universe that have rather more on their mind than a better life for their children and a wonderful future in the fruit-picking and domestic service industries

On every other black or white triangle of the chessboard, all the way to infinity, was a srey shape, rather like an enized them They were not life forms They were non-life forms They were the observers of the operation of the universe, its clerks, its auditors They saw to it that things spun and rocks fell And they believed that for a thing to exist it had to have a position in time and space Humanity had arrived as a nasty shock Hus that didn't have a position in tiination, pity, hope, history and belief Take those away and all you had was an ape that fell out of trees a lot Intelligent life was, therefore, an anos like that Periodically, they tried to tidy things up a little The year before, astronomers across the Discworld had been puzzled to see the stars wheel gently across the sky as the world-turtle executed a roll The thickness of the world never allowed them to see why, but Great A'Tuin's ancient head had snaked out and down and had snapped right out of the sky the speeding asteroid that would, had it hit, have ain No, the world could take care of obvious threats like that So now the grey robes preferred more subtle, cowardly skir happened that was not completely predictable The butter-side-down effect was only a trivial but telling indicator It showed an increase in activity Give up, was their eternalblobs in the ocean Blobs are easy But the great game went on at many levels, Death knew And often it was hard to knoas playing EVERY CAUSE HAS ITS EFFECT, he said aloud SO EVERY EFFECT HAS ITS CAUSE He nodded at the Death of Rats SHOW ME, said Death SHOW MEA BEGINNING Tick It was a bitter winter's night Theoff the roof The girl, who had been ad her new hat in the htly more exposure, just in case the caller was ainst the freezing starlight Flakes were already building up on his cloak

'Mrs Ogg? The midwife?' he said 'It's Miss, actually,' she said proudly 'And witch, too, o'course' She indicated her new black pointy hat She was still at the stage of wearing it in the house 'You irl looked suddenly panic-stricken 'Is it Mrs Weaver? I didn't reckon she was due for another couple of we-'

ding to the First Scroll of Wen the Eternally Surprised, Wen stepped out of the cave where he had received enlightenht of the first day of the rest of his life He stared at the rising sun for some time, because he had never seen it before He prodded with a sandal the dozing form of Clodpool the apprentice, and said: 'I have seen Now I understand' Then he stopped, and looked at the thing next to Clodpool 'What is that a?' he said 'Ererit's a tree, master,' said Clodpool, still not quite awake 'Remember? It was there yesterday'

'There was no yesterday'

'ErerI think there was,to his feet 'Remember? We came up here and I cooked abecause you didn't want it'

'I rehtfully 'But the memory is in my head now Was yesterday real? Or is it only the memory that is real? Truly, yesterday I was not born' Clodpool's face becaonized inco,' said Wen 'In the cup of the hand there is no past, no future There is only now There is no tireat deal to do' Clodpool hesitated There was solow in his eyes and, when he hts in the air, like reflections fro,' Wen went on 'I know that time was made for men, not the other way round I have learned how to shape it and bend it I kno to make a moment last for ever, because it already has And I can teach these skills even to you, Clodpool I have heard the heartbeat of the universe I know the answers to ave hi for it to be early in thethat he currently knew for sure 'Erwhat does master want for breakfast?' he said Wen looked down from their caolden daylight creating the world, and mused upon certain aspects of humanity 'Ah,' he said 'One of the difficult ones'

For so to exist, it has to have a position in time and space And this explains why nine-tenths of the mass of the universe is unaccounted for Nine-tenths of the universe is the knowledge of the position and direction of everything in the other tenth Every atoraphy, every star its file, every chee its equivalent of the inspector with a clipboard It is unaccounted for because it is doing the accounting for the rest of it, and you cannot see the back of your own head[1] Nine-tenths of the universe, in fact, is the paperwork And if you want the story, then remember that a story does not unwind It weaves Events that start in different places and different times all bear down on that one tiny point in space-ti an emperor was persuaded to wear a new suit of clothes whose material was so fine that, to the common eye, the clothes weren't there And suppose a little boy pointed out this fact in a loud, clear voice Then you have The Story of the Emperor Who Had No Clothes But if you knew a bit more, it would be The Story of the Boy Who Got a Well-Deserved Thrashing fro Rude to Royalty, and Was Locked Up Or The Story of the Whole Crowd Who Were Rounded Up by the Guards and Told 'This Didn't Happen, Okay? Does Anyone Want to Argue?' Or it could be a story of hohole kingdom suddenly saw the benefits of the 'new clothes', and developed an enthusias atot many new adherents every year, and led to a recession caused by the collapse of the conventional clothing industry It could even be a story about The Great Pneumonia Epide you'd watched the slow accretion of snow over thousands of years as it was colacier calved its icebergs into the sea, and you watched an iceberg drift out through the chilly waters, and you got to know its cargo of happy polar bears and seals as they looked forward to a brave new life in the other hemisphere where they say the ice floes are lined with crunchy penguins, and then whaedy loomed in the shape of thousands of tons of unaccountably floating iron and an exciting sound trackyou'd want to know the whole story And this one starts with desks

This is the desk of a professional It is clear that their job is their life There are hue allows in a chilly world of duty and routine Mostly they're on the only piece of real colour in this picture of blacks and greys It's a coffeeIt bears a rather unconvincing picture of a teddy bear, and the legend 'To The World's Greatest Grandad' and the slight change in the style of lettering on the word 'Grandad' makes it clear that this has cos like this, declaring that they're for the world's greatest Grandad/Dad/Mum/Granny/Uncle/Aunt/Blank Only someone whose life contains very little else, one feels, would treasure a piece of gimcrackery like this It currently holds tea, with a slice of lemon The bleak desktop also contains a paperknife in the shape of a scythe and a nu in a skeletal handand took a sip, pausing only to look again at the wording he'd read thousands of times before, and then put it down VERY WELL, he said, in tones of funeral bells SHOW ME The last item on the desktop was a ht kind of word for it Most of it o discs One was horizontal and contained a circlet of very small squares of ould prove to be carpet The other was set vertically and had a large number of arms, each one of which held a very small slice of buttered toast Each slice was set so that it could spin freely as the turning of the wheel brought it doards the carpet disc I BELIEVE I AM BEGINNING TO GET THE IDEA, said Death The sure by the machine saluted smartly and beales over its eye sockets, hitched up its robe and clambered into the machine Death was never quite sure why he allowed the Death of Rats to have an independent existence After all, being Deathrodents of all descriptions But perhaps everyone needs a tiny part of themselves that can, metaphorically, be allowed to run naked in the rain[3], to think the unthinkable thoughts, to hide in corners and spy on the world, to do the forbidden but enjoyable deeds Slowly, the Death of Rats pushed the treadles The wheels began to spin 'Exciting, eh?' said a hoarse voice by Death's ear It belonged to Quoth, the raven, who had attached himself to the household as the Death of Rats' personal transport and crony He was, he always said, only in it for the eyeballs