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One

Dr Nathan Amherst

“I don’t need an assistant”

“Too late She’ll be here in about ten minutes Don’t be a dick to her, or the university will pull your funding,” Rachel, our department secretary, warns

With disgust, I toss down lasses “I never asked for an assistant, and therefore, no one should be upset when I fire her”

“You can’t fire her She’s an employee of the university and was hired by Dean Campbell”

“Then she can go service Dean Ca rowth hydroponics for retail consumers Most efficient hydroponic far This new prototype I’row everything froine never having to go to the grocery store again—the utter dreaet delivery whenever I can Usually it just takes a small bribe

“See, that’s just the type of attitude that is going to result in a lawsuit This is a bio technology graduate student, not a sex worker You can’t treat her like one”

“Meaning I shouldn’t treat her like a bio tech student or a sex worker? Your pronoun references two possible objects” There’s not enough in the paper about the labor and transportation costs I need to run a fewthe printout, I switch over to the computer and pull up the database It’ll take hours to crunch so I pinch the bridge of my nose

“Dr Amherst Did you hear what I said?”

“That I can’t fire the assistant? Yeah” I wave et out and leave me alone so I can work

“No I said that the south elevator—you knohat? Never s behind her when she leaves

I shake my head People are alwaysclue why If everyone did their work and left all the other people alone, ould all be happier I should put that in the suggestion box we have in the breakroo work hours In fact, the breakroom itself should be abolished I nod emphatically to raestion, and send it off to the printer On the device is a paper copy of the latest headhunter inquiry Dr Aet soto the private sector Not only are the benefits and pay better, but the R&D budgets would rab h I’ll drop it off onpeople in the breakroo work all in one efficient economy of movement With that problerarowth and total dissolved solids, or TDS as we call thes again And again By the fourth loop, I realize that the person is not going to give up It’s probably Rachel calling to re off

“Yeah?” I bark into the phone

“Your assistant is here I’s up, and five seconds later, there’s a knock on my door

“Co h my dark hair It’s a disaster in here, and the second desk near the door is covered with papers I walk over and start to clear things away—and by clear, Ithe piles of paper on the desk to the floor She can sort through things After all, isn’t that why they are giving me an assistant?

The door creaks open “Dr Amherst”

I don’t bother looking up but instead gesture her toward the desk “Yes This is the right place This is your desk” I knock a fist on the top of the wood “Did Rachel give you a couess that will be the first task for you Once you’re done, I have so you can do You do kno to do that?” I raise oddess An orchestra starts playing in ht in the dank office appears to surround her If Rachel were to arrive and tell me that this person dropped fros in the south lawn, I’d nod in acceptance That would be a perfectly reasonable explanation