Page 6 (1/2)
Chapter One
6) The Sistine Chapel was painted by: Leonardo Da Vinci
It's all I can do not to roll my eyes For four and a half e of art history into freshot it; most of them, even The ones who truly fell in love with sos and sculptures they'd seen--they're the students whofeel like it's all been hile
But then there are kids like this one, who didn't even elo, and who also appears to think that the Renaissance started in Germany No wonder, since he skipped a ton of classes and probably spent the others checking Facebook on his laptop I only provided the short fill-in-the-blank section to provide a few easy, slam-dunk answers to boost the students' confidence before they dove into the exam proper Maybe it worked that way for most of the kids, but , not so much here
As I reach for lowing on the screen: JONAH MARKS At once I start to smile
"Hey, you," I murmur as I tuck the phone between my shoulder and ear
"Vivienne Hi I wanted to check in, see what you were doing"
Jonah's voice has always had an effect on me He speaks with such cool, assured com, once Even frightening Now I know and love the good ht so hard to be
Jonah's a seisist The profession suits hi and silent, but incredible heat, power, and danger simmer just beneath the surface
I know his most forbidden fantasies because I share them
"Just grading finals here on campus," I tell hih"
"Do you think youthe anticipation that is building between us both "If so, I'ame"
We haven't been back at our gaer, honed the edges of my desire Now I hear that saine hoe ever held off, even for a day
"Yeah," I whisper "I'm free"
"I' today That's unlikely to change So the stairwells are eerous"
He ht alone Where soe
And that's exactly what I want from him
We both get off hardest e pretend this is a rape
He's the attacker I'in, I hand control over to Jonah The only power I have is contained in our safe word, silver Although I've designed a few of our scenarios, often I leave it up to him, which is what I do now This is the first, subtlest moment of my surrender I ask only one question "When?"
"Four PM Here's the key code" Jonah lists off the numbers, which I jot doith a shaky hand
After he finishes, he just hangs up Jonah's not big on good-byes
Besides, he's already begun the transfors He will becoerous And I will turn into the victim in his own forbidden daydreams--weak and pliant, vulnerable to his schemes and to brute force
We do not love the desire we share But we love each other, and together we're learning how to own this--our rape fantasies--so that they will never again own us
I lost inity to my rapist when I was only fourteen years old Anthony Whedon, my older sister's boyfriend, forced hi TV on the sofa in ht Upstairs, the rest ofIn my fear and confusion, I didn't even think to scream--which is part of why my mother and sister have never believed I was "really" raped
Soain Most work very hard to avoid reminders of what happened, possibly the most painful incident in their lives
However, the hu that twists and bends in unexpected ways Within my brain, Anthony's attack becanoash penetration alone But what Anthony did to ift; itabout being raped Instead of forgetting as done to me, I felt as if I were forced to relive it, or scenarios like it, in order to have any pleasure at all
Until last year, I si sex I only ever asked one guy to act out a scenario with me--my ex, now friend, Geordie Hilton When I reine what entle, and pretty thoroughly in the vanilla coluo for a rape fantasy
But I'lad I asked him It was the first time I actually found the voice to naized toable to act out my fantasy, ere overheard by Jonah Marks
Within the next half hour, Jonah cae of the party--where I wasn't alone, he said
, so I'd knoas safe--and offered his services
Rape as fantasy You'd like to play one role; I'd like to play another
It was madness I knew that from the start But Jonah left all the decisions entirely to round We set limits, chose a safe word, and determined what it would take for me to feel safe Jonah had his own boundaries; even as I swore to respect them, I didn't understand just how ier I was courting--offering ht of forcing women
We both thought we could rehten the suspense of our encounters Jonah and I knew only one thing about each otherbut it was thewe could possibly know Once you've bared theback anything else provides only the illusion of control Not the reality One kind of bond blossomed into another Within a few months, Jonah Marks and I had fallen in love
He learned what Anthony had done to round of alinable sexual sadism--one in which his stepfather had forced him to witness the rape of his ht that this was all sex was: male violence and coercion, female submission and pain
Jonah had the inner strength to reject that e He's the last man on earth ould ever force a woe couldn't banish those primal fantasies His demons could never be exorcised, only conquered
We conquer theether
Four o'clock has never felt so far away The hours would see than grading art history exams
"You're awfully quiet in here," says Kip, the department secretary, as he appears in the doorway of ainst the doorjae
"I' Then you wouldn't be so bored"
"You knoell enough to know I'd be working if there were anything for me to do" He breathes out in exasperation "The semester breaks bore me to tears Hardly any crises for me to resolve, no attractiveUnless you know of sos on the bleak horizon--"
"Not s easy for now, Arturo and Shay are busy with the baby, and Carmen actually flew out to California yesterday"
Kip raises an eyebrow "She's moved already?"