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Am I a mess or what?
“I’h I’m not sure if she hears me My voice is lost in the sweet-scented pillow “I have the flu”
I hear the opening of a pizza box and a groan as the stench of rotting cheese and sausage drifts from the container “Not exactly the diet of someone with the flu, Little Brother”
I hear further shuffling of beer bottles and garbage, and I know she’s starting to straighten the mess up I’m not the only neat freak in my family
“Oh, that’s just wrong!” She inhales sharply, and, judging by the stink that joins the putrid pizza aro she just opened a three-day-old ice creaht
“Drew” She shakesthe exhaustion fro on? What happened?”
As I look at the troubled expression ofbitch of a sister, I’m throenty-two years back in time I’m six years old and my hamster, Mr Wuzzles, has just died And just like that day, the painful truth is ripped fros
“It finally happened”
“What happened?”
“What you’ve been wishing on me all these years,” I whisper “I fell in love”
I look up to see the smile form It’s what she’s alanted for me She’s been married to Steven forever, has been in love with hireed with the way I live my life and can’t wait for me to settle down To find someone to take care of me, the way she takes care of Steven The way our mother still takes care of our dad
But I told her it would never happen—it wasn’t what I wanted Why bring a book to the library? Why bring sand to the beach? Why buy the cohen you get the milk for free?
Are you starting to see the picture here?
So, I see her beginning to snize, I say, “She’ssomeone else She didn’t…she didn’t want me, Lex”
Sympathy spreads across my sister’s face, like jam on bread And then deter drains, patch dented walls, and reh her head at this ht back together again
I wish it were that easy But I don’t think all the Krazy Glue in the world is going to piece ain
Did I mention I’m a bit of a poet too?
“Okay We can fix this, Drew”
Do I know my sister or what?
“You go take a long, hot shower I’ll clean up this disaster Then, we’re going out The three of us”
“I can’t go out” Hasn’t she been listening? “I have the flu”
She sood, hot meal You need a shower You’ll feel better then”
Maybe she’s right God knohat I’ve been doing for the last seven days hasn’t et up to do as she says Like a four-year-old with his wooby, I bring my prized pilloith me
On my way to the bathrooood life once A perfect life And then it all got shot to shit
Oh—you want to kno? You want to hear o, on a norht
Well, normal for me anyway
Four months earlier
“Fuck, yeah That’s good Yeah, like that”
See that guy—black suit, devilishly handso the blow job from the luscious redhead in the bathroom stall? That’s me The real me MBF: Me Before Flu
“Jesus, baby, I’onna come”
Let’s freeze-frame here for a second
For those ladies out there who are listening, let uy who you just el, or any other generic endear he’s so into you, he’s already thinking up pet names
It’s because he can’t or doesn’t care to remember your actual name
And no girl wants to be called by the wrong na you head in the men’s room So, just to be safe, I ith baby
Her real name? Does it matter?
“Fuck, baby, I’”
She reuer as I jizz in her hand Afterward, I move to the sink to clean up and zip up Redhead looks at me with a smile as she rinses with a travel-sized bottle of
Char
“How about a drink?” she asks, in what I’m sure she thinks is a sultry voice
But here’s a fact for you—once I’uy who rides the sah, and then the thrill is gone and so is the interest
But, entleet us so me off, after all She’s earned herself a drink
After leaving the bathrooo toward the oh-so-crowded bar I did ht? And this is REM No, not REM—rem, like REM sleep, as in when you dream Get it?
It’s the hottest club in New York City Well, at least tonight it is By next week it will be some other club But the location doesn’t matter The script is always the saether but leave separately—and never alone
Don’t look atwoether and love at first sight I’ht—and I tell theuys in here, believefor the sa I am