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Chapter 1

Quinton

I wake up everyin darkness Blissfully,haunted byAt least after I take et the taste of that bitterly sweet, wonderfully toxic, white crystals upwith all uilt that I carry around inwith it I'lad because I want to be dead

And I' line at a time

I can't remember the last time I slept, just like I can't re beside ht when she showed up with Dylan and Delilah and soless sex and then she passed out frostanding routine that I'm addicted to Part of me wishes I wasn't, but the other part knows that I deserve exactly what I have--nothing

After struggling all night to shutthere, I finally cli for days, strung out on line after line,out of y overload, yet still fighting to stay awake If I don't getto crash

I grab a pair of jeans from off the chipped linoleum floor and pull them on My bedroom is about the size of a closet and contains a shitty mattress, a box with stuff that I never look at anymore, a lamp, and a mirror and razor that are alithin reach I pick the next to it I h I can barely re anyether in pieces that are quickly fading

"Shit," Itheevery last drop off it It doesn't do anything for the starving beast stirring inside me, ready to wake up and claw at my skin if I don't feed it I toss the ainst the wall "Dammit" I snatch a shirt up off the floor and pull it on as I hurry out into the narrow hall, tripping over a few people passed out on the floor, none of whom I know, but they always seem to be around

When I reach the door at the end of the hall, the roos to my cousin Tristan, I turn the doorknob but it's locked, so I ha doorI need to get in there Now"

There's no response, so I bang on the door harder, sla my shoulder into the wood My body starts to shake by the third sla by the fifthby the seventh I feel like I could fucking kill sooddamned dose in me

Finally the door weakens and starts to cave beneath ive in completely The need to feed the irrational and unstable monster inside ain as hard as I can Panic starts to set in as a streah my head: Lexi, Ryder, mythe air out of es, I see Nova's eyes, which look blue at first unless you look close enough to see the green hidden in them I don't knohy I see her It's not like I lost her She's still alive and out there somewhere in the world, hopefully happy But for soh I barely know her, only spent a couple ofher brief fall into the drug world Yet I can't seeetabout is where to channel the burst of energy If I could get this fucking door down--

With one last kick, the tri splinters apart and the door opens I stu Tristan's passed out on thebeside him and her arm draped over his chest On the floor beside the o for the, not what I want No, what I want is in his top dresser drawer

I rush over to it, kicking his clothes out of the way, theto hurl Lexi dying on the side of the road, soaked in her own blood, and me beside her with her blood on my hands The life I never had withlook in Tristan's eyes whenever he oddamned pond, where I ultioing to hand her virginity to a piece of shit likeand then when she got in her car at the trailer park, ready to drive away and leave me forever--the last time I saw her

That's how it should be She should be away from me and this shitty mess that's supposed to be a life, because I'ive up, die, finally just take that last step and endit Finally doseand for good this time, in the dark, where no one can save me

I jerk open the dresser drawer and snatch hold of the plastic bag,for a mirror I need it now I durab Tristan's driver's license, and chop up the clu deafeningly in my chest and I wish it would shut the hell up, because I don't want itany noise at all I want it to be quiet Silent Nonexistent

Dead

Grabbing a pen and taking it apart, I lean down, putthe white powder to fill up my nose and flood the back of my throat My heart speeds up, but so around h my veins, body, heart, hts of Lexi, Ryder, my mom Nova

It kills everything

I walk back to ain,this weird place of har matters, the past, the future, the present I sit down onspace Then I pick upon for weeks It's a picture of Nova, which should uilty, but it doesn't It's just lines and shadings, soft hts that I', like everything else insideat it, I set it aside and quickly forget it, just like I've done with everything else Then I lie down on o to wherever it wants to

"Can you hear me?" Lexi whispers softly in my ear "Quinton, open your eyes"

I shaketoto have to wake me up if you want me to open my eyes"

"You are awake, you goofball," she says, and then I feel her fingers touchto be late for the party"

"That's okay witho anyway"

"Only because you're a party pooper," she says, and then I feel her shift as she swings her leg over o out and have fun tonight"

My hands find her hips

and I hold on to her Shehere My house seems less empty and it's easier to deal with the two to three words my dad says to me every day because Lexi's here and she loves me

She breathes on etovera veil around our faces Her lips are only inches away frohtly, and she sarette smoke, a scent that annoyed s to her

"Can't we just stay in?" I ask her, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear

She pouts out her lip "We only have a few h school and I want to have soht Let loose" She pushes away and I feel a little colder inside "Plus, I told Ryder we'd go out tonight"

I sigh "That justthe two of you get drunk while I stay sober and be the dd"

Her lips curve upward into a pleased sh to be the dd"

I frown "Well, what if I don't want to be tonight? What if I just want to have fun?

She sits up, still suing "You knoell as I do that you couldn't get drunk even if you wanted to"

"Only because I worry about you," I say "You always get so crazy when you're drunk"

"Not crazy, just fun," she argues "Noill you please get up and get changed so we can go? Ryder's waiting for us in the living room"

I hesitate and then sigh "Fine, but I' to keep an eye on you"