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Chapter One

Nova

Seinfeld

My life has officially turned into an episode of Seinfeld

To be specific, the “Vegetable Lasagna” one where Elaine and Puddy go to Europe, break up, get back together on the plane and then break up again

That aard plane ride full of bickering, all to the discona), is pretty ht noe coas vacation

Except Roger doesn’t really bicker, which is a good thing since he has this probleht be at a roht” (yeah, he uses ravishing, which should have been a red flag), and someone across the restaurant will say, “thank you” That’s how loud he is Even when he whispers, he’s trying to rupture your eardrum

No, Roger doesn’t bicker but he also doesn’t do

Everyone was surprised e started dating five uys I usually date and I figured that was a good thing since the guys I usually date are rat-bastards Handsome rat-bastards, but rat-bastards all the same

Turns out Roger is a rat-bastard too, and one I didn’t see coiven er because he was a supposed nice guy I went out with him because he was a dependable and financially stable banker I went out with his All of those things were supposed to er was a safe choice

It turns out that when a guy refers to hiuy,” they usually aren’t That when they have a boring job and dull attitude, theyfor excite potato head and tend to shout lyrics to songs instead of singing theift to women

I found that out two days ago when I decided I’d had enough and went to bed early, and he went out to get a lap dance on the Strip and well, I guess those dancers can spot a sucker a mile away, because a lap dance led to a blow job, and a blow job led to who knohat else was on the menu and that dancer turned out to be a hooker

And how do I know all of this?

Because at four aht to the shower, crying his dahtthat happened Okay, not everything—I stopped him at the blow job part

I appreciated his honesty and all, but that was officially the end of us

Then the next day, when he’d sobered up and slept off the skank and the sha (“I didn’t know she was a prostitute! I thought she was being nice!”) over coffee and wondering if I wanted to see David Copperfield (yet another red flag)

I did what any sensible person would do—I got another room

In another hotel

Immediately

Then I proceeded to get drunk

By myself

Immediately

The only thing I couldn’t fix were the flights back to Honolulu They were all booked solid which isn’t surprising for November If you’ve ever wondered where the people who live in Hawaii go on vacation, it’s Las Vegas The hts, the chaos, the dry, desert air—it’s prettywhen you’ve been in Hawaii too long

Which is why Roger and I decided to go to Vegas, taking our first vacation together

Of course, it also ended up being our last

Theabout all of this isn’t that we couldn’t find anyone to switch seats with us for this six-hour plane ride froer to date to avoid all this sort of stupidity

Roger is currently trying to adjust his seat-back, much to the annoyance of the person behind hiently, he’s just this long-legged, potato-headed clumsy oaf who sleeps with hookers and cries about it You can how iteeth where there shouldn’t be big teeth, and the occasional braying noise

I look at hi such a loser and h standards back

“What?” he asks defensively, after I’ve been glaring at hiood minute Did I mention he’s also kind of dense?

“Do youthat?” I tell him

“My back hurts,” he gruh for everyone on the plane to hear “And these seats are ain?”

Seat goes back, seat goes up, seat goes back