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MY DECISION TO BECOME A LAWYER was irrevocably sealed when I realized er, clumsy, embarrassed by my aardness, frustrated with life, horrified of puberty, about to be shipped off to a military school by my father for insubordination He was an ex-Marine who believed boys should live by the crack of the whip I'd developed a quick tongue and an aversion to discipline, and his solution was siave him

He was also an industrial engineer orked seventy hours a week for a co many other iteerous devices, his coet of lawsuits And because he handled design, my father was the favorite choice to speak for the company in depositions and trials I can't say that I blarew to admire theht hours haggling with them, then hit the s No dinner Just an hour or so of continuous bitching while he slugged down four martinis then passed out in his battered re-cliner One trial lasted three weeks, and when it ended with a large verdict against the company my mother called a doctor and they hid him in a hospital for a month

The company later went broke, and of course all blame was directed at the lawyers Not once did I hear any talk that ement could in any way have contributed to the bankruptcy

Liquor became his life, and he became depressed He went years without a steady job, which really ticked me off because I was forced to wait tables and deliver pizza so I could claay through college I think I spoke to hiraduate studies The day after I learned I had been accepted to law school, I proudly returned horeat news Mother told me later he stayed in bed for a week

Teeks after htbulb in the utility room when (I swear this is true) a ladder collapsed and he fell on his head He lasted a year in a co

Several days after the funeral, I suggested the possibility of a lawsuit, but Mother was just not up to it Also, I've always suspected he was partially inebriated when he fell And he was earning nothing, so under our tort system his life had little economic value

My rand total of fifty thousand dollars in life insurance, and remarried badly He's a simple sort, my stepfather, a retired postal clerk fro and traveling in a Winnebago I keep my distance Mother didn't offer me a dime of the money, said it was all she had to face the future with, and since I'd proven rather adept at living on nothing, she felt I didn't need any of it I had a bright future earning money; she did not, she reasoned I' her ear full of financial advice Our paths will cross again one day, mine and Hank's

I will finish law school in May, a month froraduate with honors, though I' I've done in three years of law school was to schedule the required and difficult courses early, so I could goof off in this,are a joke-Sports Law, Art Law, Selected Readings froal Problems of the Elderly

It is this last selection that hastable in a hot, da filled with an odd assortn above the only visible door majestically labels the place as the Cypress Gardens Senior Citizens Building, but other than its nareenery The walls are drab and bare except for an ancient, fading photograph of Ronald Reagan in one corner between two sad little flags-one, the Stars and Stripes, the other, the state flag of Tennessee The building is small, somber and cheerless, obviously built at the last minute with "a few spare dollars of unexpected federal al pad, afraid to look at the crowd inching forward in their folding chairs

There must be fifty of thee of at least seventy-five, so aids We were told they s, an occasional visit by a desperate political candidate After a couple of hours of socializing, they will leave for home and count the hours until they can return here Our professor said this was the highlight of their day

Wein ti with our leader, Professor Smoot, and examined us closely as we picked at neoprene chicken and icy peas My Jell-O was yellow, and this was noticed by a bearded old goat with the na stuck above his dirty shirt pocket Boscoabout yellow Jell-O, and I quickly offered it to hi corralled hi is about eighty but very spry for her age, and she acts as anization She works the crowd like a veteran ward boss, hugging and patting, sch in a shrill voice and all the while keeping a wary eye on Bosco, who undoubtedly is the bad boy of the bunch She lectured hi my Jell-O, but seconds later placed a full bowl of the yellow putty before his glowing eyes He ate it with his stubby fingers

An hour passed Lunch proceeded as if these starving souls were feasting on seven courses with no hope of another meal Their wobbly forks and spoons moved back and forth, up and down, in and out, as if laden with precious metals Time was of absolutely no consequence They yelled at each other ords stirred them They dropped food on the floor until I couldn't bear to watch anymore I even ate my Jell-O Bosco, still covetous, watchedabout this and that

Professor Shead complete with crooked bow tie, bushy hair and red suspenders, sat with the stuffed satisfaction of a ly admired the scene before us He's a kindly soul, in his early fifties, but with mannerisms much like Bosco and his friends, and for twenty years he's taught the kindly courses no one else wants to teach and few students want to take Children's Rights, Law of the Disabled, Seminar on Domestic Violence, Problems of the Mentally 111 and, of course, Geezer Law, as this one is called outside his presence He once scheduled a course to be called Rights of the Unborn Fetus, but it attracted a storm of controversy so Professor Smoot took a quick sabbatical

He explained to us on the first day of class that the purpose of the course was to expose us to real people with real legal problems It's his opinion that all students enter law school with a certain amount of idealism and desire to serve the public, but after three years of brutal coht fir bucks He's right about this

The class is not a required one, and we started with eleven students After alectures and constant exhortations to forsake money and work for free, we'd been whittled down to four It's a worthless course, counts for only two hours, requires almost no work, and this is what attracted me to it But, if there were h it out At this point, I hate law school And I have grave concerns about the practice of law

This is my first confrontation with actual clients, and I'ed and infirreat wisdom I am, after all, alal pad in front ofsquares and circles, and ent frown, so Ithe table is Booker Kane, a black guy who's my best friend in law school He's as scared as I am Before us on folded index cards are our written names in black felt-Booker Kane and Rudy Bay-lor That's me Next to Booker is the podiu, and on the other side is another table withthe presence of F Franklin Donaldson the Fourth, a po initials and numerals before and after his name Next to hial, ears pinstripe suits, silk ties and an enormous chip on her shoulder Many of us suspect she also wears a jockstrap

Sainst the wall behind us Miss Birdie is doing the announce into are in the corners of the roo voice boo aids are slapped and taken out For the moment, no one is asleep Today there are three obituaries, and when Miss Birdie finally finishes I see a few tears in the audience God, please don't let this happen to ive me fifty more years of work and fun, then an instant death while I'

To our left against a wall, the pianist corill in front of her Miss Birdie fancies herself as so against a proposed increase in the sales tax, the pianist attacks the keys "Amer-1 ica the Beautiful," I think With pure relish, she stor refrain, and the geezers grab their hymnals and wait for the first verse Miss Birdie does not miss a beat Now she's the choir director She raises her hands, then claps the the note of verse one Those who are able slowly get to their feet

The howling fades dramatically with the second verse The words are not as familiar and most of these poor souls can't see past their noses, so the hymnals are useless Bosco'sloudly at the ceiling

The piano stops abruptly as the sheets fall fro They stare at the pianist who, bless her heart, is snatching at the air and fuathered

"Thank you!" Miss Birdie yells into the microphone as they suddenly fall back into their seats "Thank you Music is a wonderful rhang Let's give thanks to God for beautiful music"

"Amen!" Bosco roars

"Amen," another relic repeats with a nod from the back row

"Thank you," Miss Birdie says She turns and smiles at Booker and ain look at the crowd "Now," she says draraain with soht and handsoy hands at us and sray and yellow teeth at Smoot, who has quietly made his way to her side "Aren't they handso at us "As you know," Miss Birdie proceeds into the microphone, "Professor Sest son studied, you know, but didn't graduate, and every year Professor Smoot visits us here with soive advice that's always good, and always free, I ht add" She turns and lays another sappy sroup, we say welcome back to Cypress Gardens We thank you for your concern about the problems of senior citizens Thank you We love you"

She backs away fro her hands furiously and nodding eagerly at her comrades to do the same, but not a soul, not even Bosco, lifts a hand

"He's a hit," Booker mumbles

"At least he's loved," Ihere now for ten minutes It's just after lunch, and I notice a few heavy eyelids They'll be snoring by the time Smoot finishes

He steps to the podium, adjusts the mike, clears his throat and waits for Miss Birdie to take her seat on the front row As she sits, she whispers angrily to a pale gentleman next to her, "You should've clapped!" He does not hear this

"Thank you, Miss Birdie," Smoot squeaks "Always nice to visit here at Cypress Gardens" His voice is sincere, and there's no doubt in ed to be here at this , before this sad little group of old folks, with the only four students who happen to remain in his class Smoot lives for this

He introduces us I stand quickly with a short sain fix ent frown S wills, and sales tax exeeezers, and co-insurance pay like flies out there Social Security loopholes, pending legislation, nursing hos, he rambles on and on, just as he does in class I yawn and feel drowsyat his watch every ten seconds

Finally, Sets to the wrap-up, thanks Miss Birdie and her crowd once again, promises to return year after year and takes a seat at the end of the table Miss Birdie pats her hands together exactly twice, then gives up No one else

Miss Birdie waves her arood and they're free"

Slowly and aardly, they advance upon us Bosco is first in line, and it's obvious he's holding a grudge over the Jell-O, because he glares at oes to the other end of the table and sits in a chair before the Honorable N Elizabeth Erickson So tells o elsewhere for legal advice An elderly black man selects Booker for his lawyer and they huddle across the table I try not to listen Soo that may or may not have been officially completed Booker takes notes like a real lawyer and listens intently as if he knows exactly what to do

At least Booker has a client For a full fivealone as my three classmates whisper and scribble and listen co before them

My solitude does not go unnoticed Finally, Miss Birdie Birdsong reaches into her purse, extracts an envelope and prances to my end of the table "You're the one I really wanted," she whispers as she pulls her chair close to the corner of the table She leans forward, and I lean to my left, and at this precise , I enter into lances at me with a wicked smile

My first conference Last summer I clerked for a small firm doelve lawyers, and their as strictly hourly No contingency fees I learned the art of billing, the first rule of which is that a lawyer spendshours in conferences Client conferences, phone conferences, conferences with opposing lawyers and judges and partners and insurance adjusters and clerks and paralegals, conferences over lunch, conferences at the courthouse, conference calls, settlement conferences, pretrial conferences, post-trial conferences Name the activity, and lawyers can fabricate a conference around it

Miss Birdie cuts her eyes about, and this is nal to keep both my head and voice low, because whatever it is she wants to confer over is serious as hell And this suits me just fine, because I don't want a soul to hear the lame and naive advice I a problem

"Read this," she says, and I take the envelope and open it Hallelujah! It's a will! The Last Will and Testa Smoot told us that more than half of these clients would want us to review and maybe update their wills, and this is fine with us because ere required last year to take a full course called Wills and Estates and we feel so problems Wills are fairly sireenest of lawyers

This one's typed and official in appearance, and as I scan it I learn froraphs that Miss Birdie is aand has two children and a full coraph stops ain She's sive unto each of her children the sum of two randchildren I count, slowly, eight grandchildren That's at least twelve million dollars

"Keep reading," she whispers as if she can actually hear the calculator rattling innow, and it has soo and children who've neglected him I try not to listen, but it's inore the tears Bosco laughs loudly at the other end of the table

Paragraph five of the will leaves three e Then there's a list of charities, beginning with the Diabetes Association and ending with the Memphis Zoo, and beside each is a sum of money the least of which is fifty thousand dollars I keep frowning, do a little quick math and determine that Miss Birdie has a net worth of at least twenty million

Suddenly, there are many problems with this will First, and foremost, it's not nearly as thick as it should be Miss Birdie is rich, and rich people do not use thin, simple wills They use thick, dense wills with trusts and trustees and generation-skipping transfers and all sorts of gadgets and devices designed and i firms

"Who prepared this?" I ask The envelope is blank and there's no indication of who drafted the will

"My former lawyer, dead now"

It's a good thing he's dead He committed malpractice when he prepared this one

So, this pretty little lady with the gray and yellow teeth and rather melodious voice is worth twenty lance at her, then return to the will She doesn't dress rich, doesn't wear diaold, spends neither time nor undy blazer is worn and could've come from Sears I've seen a few rich old ladies in my time, and they're normally fairly easy to spot

The will is almost two years old "When did your lawyer die?" I ask ever so sweetly now Our heads are still huddled low and our noses are just inches apart

"Last year Cancer"

"And you don't have a lawyer now?"

"I wouldn't be here talking to you if I had a lawyer, noould I, Rudy? There's nothing coured you could handle it"

Greed is a funny thing I have a job starting July 1 with Brodnax and Speer, a stuffy little sweatshop of a firm with fifteen lawyers who do little else but represent insurance coation It was not the job I wanted, but as things developed Brodnax and Speer extended an offer of eure I'll put in a few years, learn the ropes andbetter

Wouldn't those fellows at Brodnax and Speer be iht with me a client worth at least twentystar with a golden touch I er office

"Of course I can handle it," I say lamely "It's just that, you know, there's a lot of money here, and I-"

"Shhhhhh," she hisses fiercely as she leans even closer "Don't mention the money" Her eyes dart in all directions as if thieves are lurking behind her "I just refuse to talk about it," she insists

"Okay Fine withto a tax lawyer about this"

"That's what my old lawyer said, but I don't want to A lawyer is a lawyer as far as I'm concerned, and a will is a will"

"True, but you could save a ton of money in taxes if you plan your estate"

She shakes her head as if I'm a complete idiot "I won't save a dime"

"Well, excuse me, but I think that maybe you can"

She places a brown-spotted hand on my wrist, and whispers, "Rudy, letto ht?"

"Uh, right, I guess But what about your heirs?"

"That's why I'm here I'm mad at my heirs, and I want to cut 'erandchildren Cut, cut, cut They get nothing, you understand Zero Not a penny, not a stick of furniture Nothing"

Her eyes are suddenly hard and the rows of wrinkles are pinched tightly around her mouth She squeezes my wrist but doesn't realize it For a second, Miss Birdie is not only angry but hurt

At the other end of the table, an argument erupts between Bosco and N Elizabeth Erickson He's loud and railing against Medicaid and Medicare and Republicans in general, and she's pointing to a sheet of paper and atte to explain why certain doctor bills are not covered Sets to his feet and walks to the end of the table to inquire if he ht be of assistance

Booker's client is trying desperately to regain his co fro the old gentleman that, yes indeed, he, Booker Kane, will check into die ht The air conditioner kicks in and drowns out some of the chatter The plates and cups have been cleared froress-Chinese checkers, Rook, bridge and a Milton Bradley board game with dice Fortunately, the , not for legal advice

"Why do you want to cut them out?" I ask

She releases my wrist and rubs her eyes "Well, it's very personal, and I really don't want to go into it"

"Fair enough Who gets the money?" I ask, and I'm suddenly intoxicated by the power just bestowed upon ic words that will make millionaires out of ordinary people My smile to her is so warm and so fake I hope she is not offended

"I'lances about as if this is a gaive it to"

Well, how about a million for me? Texaco will sue otiations and I've heard fro eviction because I haven't paid rent in twowith the richest person I've ever er and is pondering rather delightfully who should get how much

She hands me a piece of paper with four names printed neatly in a narrow colurandchildren I want to protect, the ones who still love me" She cups her hand over her mouth and moves toward my ear "Give each one a million dollars"

My hand shakes as I scrawl on my pad Wham! Just like that, I've created four millionaires "What about the rest?" I ask in a lohisper

She jerks backward, sits erectly and says, "Not a diifts or cards Cut 'em out"

If I had a grandmother worth twenty million dollars I'd send flowers once a week, cards every other day, chocolates whenever it rained and cha and twice before bedtime I'd take her to church every Sunday and sit with her, hand in hand, during the service, then off to brunch we'd go and then to an auction or a play or an art shoherever in the hell Granny wanted to go I'd take care of randmother

And I was thinking of doing the same for Miss Birdie

"Okay," I say sole for your two children?"

"That's what I said Absolutely nothing"

"What, may I ask, have they done to you?"

She exhales heavily as if frustrated by this, and she rolls her eyes around as if she hates to tell me, but then she lurches forward on both elbows to tell me anyway "Well," she whispers, "Randolph, the oldest, he's almost sixty, just married for the third ti about the money Whatever I leave to hiive it to you, Rudy, than to my own son Or to Professor Smoot, or to anyone but Randolph Knohat I mean?"

My heart stops Inches, just inches, fro paydirt with my first client To hell with Brodnax and Speer and all those conferences awaiting me

"You can't leave it to me, Miss Birdie," I say, and offer her my sweetest smile My eyes, and probablyfor her to say Yes! Dammit! It's my money and I'll leave it to whomever I want, and if I want you, Rudy, to have it, then dammit! It's yours!

Instead, she says, "Everything else goes to the Reverend Kenneth Chandler Do you know him? He's on television all the ti all sorts of wonderful things around the world with our donations, building ho from the Bible I want him to have it"

"A television evangelist?"

"Oh, he's elist He's a teacher and statesman and counselor, eats dinner with heads of state, you know, plus he's cute as a bug Got this head full of curly gray hair, premature, but he wouldn't dare touch it up, you know"

"Of course not But-"

"He called ht Can you believe it? That voice on television is as sht seductive Knohat I mean?"

"Yes, I think I do Why did he call you?"

"Well, last e for March, I wrote hi my will now thatof leaving some money for his ministries Not three days later he called, just full of himself, so cute and vibrant on the phone, and wanted to knohiure, and he's been calling ever since Said he would even fly out in his own Learjet to meet me if I so desired"

I struggle for words S to pacify hiain before N Elizabeth Erickson, who at the moment has lost the chip on her shoulder and is obviously embarrassed by her first client and ready to crawl under the table She cuts her eyes around, and I flash her a quick grin so she knows I' Next to her, F Franklin Donaldson the Fourth is locked in a deep consultation with an elderly couple They are discussing a docue that the will I' over

I decide to change the subject "Uh, Miss Birdie, you said you had two children Randolph and-"

"Yes, Delbert Forget him too I haven't heard from him in three years Lives in Florida Cut, cut, cut"

I slash with my pen and Delbert loses his millions

"I need to see about Bosco," she says abruptly, and jumps to her feet "He's such a pitiful little fella No family, no friends except for us"

"We're not finished," I say

She leans down and again our faces are inches apart "Yes we are, Rudy Just do as I say A million each to those four, and all the rest to Kenneth Chandler Everything else in the will stays the same; executor, bond, trustees, all stays the same It's simple, Rudy I do it all the time Professor S all typed up real nice and neat Is that so?"

"I guess"

"Good See you then, Rudy" She flutters to the end of the table and puts her arain

I study the will and take notes fro to know that Suide and assist, and that I have teeks to collect ure out what to do I don't have to do this, I tell htful little woive her She needs a will that she can't possibly understand, but one the IRS will certainly take heed of I don't feel stupid, just inadequate After three years of studying the law, I'm very much aware of how little I know

Booker's client is trying gallantly to control his es to say Booker continues to take notes and grunts yes or no every few seconds I can't wait to tell him about Miss Birdie and her fortune

I glance at the dwindling crowd, and in the second row I notice a couple who appear to be staring at me At the moment, I'm the only available lawyer, and they seem to be undecided about whether to try their luck witha bulky wad of papers secured by rubber bands Sheunder her breath, and her husband shakes his head as if he'd rather wait for one of the other bright young legal eagles

Slowly, they stand and make their way to my end of the table They both stare at me as they approach I smile Welcome to my office

She takes Miss Birdie's chair He sits across the table and keeps his distance

"Hi there," I say with a smile and an outstretched hand He shakes it limply, then I offer it to her "I'm Rudy Baylor"

"I' my hand

"Dot and Buddy," I repeat, and start taking notes "What is your last name?" I ask with all the warmth of a seasoned counselor