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Prologue

Morning light slants through the hospitalas slowly I co with both fatigue and fear My heart is beating in a painful staccato as I approach the plastic bassinet I am swathed in scrubs and latex, due to the possibility of infection, but my arms ache with the need to reach and hold, and then to never let go But I can’t; I know I can’t

A nurse sestures to the bassinet, as if grantingout the right baby But of course I know you, my child

My child The words buoy htness, with air, so I feel as if I a My child How could I not know it? How could I not feel it? It inhabits every fiber of ile joy Incredulously, I smile

And there you are – small, so sht brown hair under a little knitted cap, your fists by your face like flowers, your lips pursed like a tiny rosebud, cheeks soft and round Perfect I know every mother thinks the same, of course she does, but no one feels it like me No one

I stand in front of your bassinet, battling both tears and euphoria, because it’s too soon to feel this way, or maybe it’s too late I reach out one hand and rest it on the plastic crib, longing to touch your soft, pink skin, your round cheek, already knowing how s for you

I didn’t expect to feel it so strongly, flooding me with both need and purpose I’d separateder, a necessary element of this whole torturous process, to keep myself a little bit distant But now…

Now everything has changed Everything I lean forward, willing your tiny eyes with their sparse, golden lashes to open To see me for myself, a mother

And then they do, and I fall into their deep blue depths I fall and fall, everything inwith love as my heart starts to break

Part One

One

HEATHER

Six months earlier

‘Kev… I’nant’

Maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that Maybe I shouldn’t have said it at all But it’s his problem too And I know that’s what it is – a proble that it should be A surprise, a blessing, a ht ones

‘What?’ Kevin stares at me blankly, slu co Especially since Kev’s been sitting in it for the last three years

I know it’s not his fault It was an accident Hurting his back at work and now this baby Two problems, two accidents that have torpedoed our little lives, exploding right into thefeels wrecked