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He pushed hiered toward the bathroom His reflection didn’t shock him, and he didn’t spare a moment to splash his face ater or wash out his ue rasping over the roof of his mouth
He needed a drink Preferably so to make him puke
Mechanically, he walked barefooted across the wood floors into the living roo was just as she’d left it The rooant, and uncluttered
He was a rough-around-the-edges slob
With a heavy sigh, he wandered into the kitchen to ht Maybe it was time to put the past behind him Get on with his sorry life But he wasn’t sure he could ever forgive hi her away
He stood by the coffee He could sell the house andsmaller It didn’t make sense to keep it since it was just him now
He needed to move somewhere he wasn’t reminded of her at every turn, but then this was part of his penance She didn’t deserve to be forgotten and discarded even if that’s what he’d done
He thrust his cup forward and poured the stealass table that overlooked the back deck He sat and stared out over the landscape that had suffered over the last year Rachel and hishours planting and weeding Ethan had helped—when he was home
He’d often been gone for weeks on end, the assignments always out of the blue, classified He left Rachel with her never knohere he was going or if he’d return It was no way for them to live
He’d resigned his co the two years they were married, he’d failed her a lot, and he’d sworn he wouldn’t do it again But he had
He rubbed his eyes then let his hand rest lingeringly on the three days’ worth of stubble that resided on his jaw He was a wreck
A flash of peach caught his eye He zeroed in on the vase of roses he’d bought yesterday They were her favorite Not quite orange, not quite pink, she’d always say A perfect shade of peach He should take therave, but he wasn’t sure he could bear to stand over that cold slab of marble and tell her for the fortieth time he was sorry
As quickly as the thought seared through his o It was the least he could do In the weeks leading up to the one-year anniversary of her death, he’d avoided the ce to shirk his responsibility He’d made a practice of it
He shoved the cup of coffee across the table, sloshing liquid over the ri the mess, he went back into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt He needed a shower and a shave, but he wasn’t taking the time to do either If his appearance put people off, all the better Making senda
Back in the kitchen, he paused in front of the vase of roses With shaking fingers, he touched one of the soft petals He hadn’t bought Rachel flowers in a long tie What did it say about hiht them now?
Regret was hard enough for a e that he could never do anything to right the wrongs was more than he could bear
He gripped the vase, his self-disgustaround his belly He grabbed for his keys and stalked toward the front door, deterrave, face the past and make his peace with the day
As he opened the door, he came face-to-face with a FedEx deliveryuy, but judging by the way the uessed he didn’t look too welco
“Are you Ethan Kelly?” the guy asked nervously
“Yeah”
“Have a package for you”
“Just leave it,” Ethan said, gesturing toward the rocker on the porch He was i there clutching a vase of flowers
“I, uh, need your signature”
Ethan caught the snarl before it escaped and set the flowers down on the porch railing He gestured inature on the handheld unit
“Thanks And here’s your package”
The guy thrust a thick envelope into Ethan’s hand and hastily backed down the steps With a wave, he got into his delivery van and roared off down the drive
Ethan glanced down at the envelope but didn’t i information He leaned back into the house and tossed it on the small table in the foyer Then he slammed the door and reached for the vase
When he arrived at the shtened It was old, ashed and situated off a gravel road well off the beaten path The cemetery was adjacent to the church, and it here his ancestors had been buried since the late 1800s
He got out of his truck, sed and then made his way down the worn path to the fenced-in plot of land that made up the cemetery
The roses shook in his grasp, several petals falling and then catching in the breeze They swirled crazily and blew across the collection of marble headstones
HisThere were fresh flowers and Rachel’s headstone glea sun
Rachel Kelly Beloved wife, sister and daughter
They’d loved her His whole family adored her His brothers used to tease him, tell him if he wasn’t careful they’d lure Rachel away from him
His gut churned Acid rose, burning a path through his chest Why had he thought he could return to the place where he’d said good-bye to his wife? His faathered round hi to the side, looking for all the world like he’d break down and cry any moment
He hated this place
He leaned down and placed the roses next to her headstone Tears burned his eyes, and he clenched his jaw, determined not to allow his emotions free rein He hadn’t cried Not since he’d received her wedding bands in the mail The only personal effects recovered froroup of relief workers flying home from South America
No, he wouldn’t cry again If he started, he’d never stop, and he rip on sanity after all Coldness suited hi He’d never allowed anyone to see how profoundly affected he was by Rachel’s death The truth was he couldn’t bring himself to share her memory with anyone
He stood there, hands shoved into his pockets, staring at the place where Rachel rested Overhead the sun rose higher, beating relentlessly down on him But he felt frozen
“I’m sorry,” he whispered “If I could take it all back I would If I just had one o by that I didn’t show you how much I love you”
The knowledge that he’d never have another chance crippled hi in his lifehe didn’t have the words to describe the agony
Unable to stand it another minute, he turned away and walked stiffly back to his truck The drive ho but the road in front of him Numbness he could deal with
He walked back into his house, absorbing yet e lay to the side, but he walked by it, his only desire right now to get a shower and rid himself of the smell of stale booze
Twentyhis head as he tried to settle his roiling stomach The shower had helped Sout
If it hadn’t et soover and looking like shit, though It would upset her and make her and his dad worry more than they did already
He flopped back onto the mattress and closed his eyes Peace He just wanted peace
WHEN Ethan next cracked his eyes open, the rooh his nose and tested the steadiness of his stoe to puke, so he counted that as a victory
He glanced over at theto see that night had fallen Soed to sleep the entire afternoon Not that he was co June 16 behind him
His muscles protested when he crawled out of bed He stretched and rolled his shoulders as he padded into the kitchen His ston
He threw together a sandwich, poured hi rooht, he sat on the couch and ate in the dark
He briefly considered finishing off the liquor he’d purchased the day before, but it would mean he’d start all over toet tired of his avoidance and they’d come for him
He’d shoved the last bite of his sandwich into hishalfway off the table in the small foyer He frowned as he reuy
Setting his glass on the coffee table, he walked over to retrieve the heavy envelope As he returned to the couch, he ripped at the seal He reached over to flip on the lamp, then flopped onto the sofa and slid his hand inside the sturdy Tyvek envelope
He dragged out a stack of papers in varying sizes and shapes Soal-sized documents while others were half pieces of paper There were charts and stuff that looked like satellite iery and GPS coordinates
Had he gotten KGI stuff by mistake? Surely his brothers wouldn’t have made an error like that No one they knew should even have his address, but this stuff looked official It looked military
There were photos Several spilled over his lap and onto the couch When he picked one up, his heart stuttered and all the breath left his chest in a painful rush
It was a photo of a wole cauess, he’d place odds on South America or maybe Asia Some fuckhole like Cambodia
Two uns One had a grip on her arm, and she looked scared out of her mind
That wasn’t what blazed through his mind like a buzz saw
The woman looked remarkably like Rachel His wife Rachel Rachel as dead Rachel who he’d just visited in the fucking cemetery
What kind of twisted joke was this?
He rifled through the stack of paperwork looking for so thatfor kicks
When he came across the short handwritten note, he froze All the blood left his face at the four simple words