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When it cae, Dahl and I knee couldn’t be apart for four years—so ent together After college anted to start the next phase of our lives—so we ether Then once we had secured our careers, it was tiression—so I proposed But before we even set a date, the world shohat a cruel place it could really be I was once again forced into ether And that ti to throw—so I had no other choice but to leave her behind I had to protect her

That was three years ago and even though I ended up without her, I don’t regret my decision I had to keep her safe—I loved her too much not to Life presents choices at every curve and it’s the choices we ret everything up to that point, of course I do I was a duht I could outs back I should have seen it, but I’d investigated a story that I thought would put a No, not wrong—plain stupid The story led to an unbelievable choice I had to “die,” or I knew irl and me would both be killed I know it sounds absurd Shit like that only happens in the movies, but it was my reality I wanted to take her with me, I did, but that kind of life wasn’t for irl behind, and it wrecked ive her up to keep her alive—is one I could never regret

While I was gone, I lived day to day, never looking ahead, never letting anyone in That is until the unexpected day cao hoiven a second chance So I let my shield down and I never hesitated in the least to leave behind the life I had created Noould co I had done I went back thinking that getting her back wouldn’t be easy, but knowing in my heart it would be worth it

Never did I think soer feel the sa, irl would have fallen in love with soht I could win her back But like I said, the world is a cruel place She was gone fro her back Even if she hadn’t found out about what I’d done, I wouldn’t have been able to I know that now I should have let her go long ago, but I’d lost sight of as real, who she ho I was Without Dahl all I had left was , caring one in the blink of an eye A loss struck ain and just like when my father was taken—I was left utterly broken, but this tione

If there is a moment in time that comes to alter the course of your life forever—mine would be the day Caleb Holt told me I had to disappear I don’t even knoho I am anymore I’m alone and left to pick up pieces to a life I don’t have Rock bottoht I’d use to describe myself, but it’s the only one that fits

Chapter 1

Dead and Gone

The world spins faster as I stumble forward to enter the front door of what used to beround when I miss I leave therip the countertop tightly because the wallpaper see in and out I lean over the sink to wait for the sick feeling in ut to pass When I look up,her features, but I know it’s her because she’s wearing her pearls I have to touch her, feel her, so I press rab her and pull her to ainst the cool surface and try not to blink, not to lose sight of her But I can’t help it and when ain, I notice her hair isn’t blonde anyone, replaced by twinkling e the rooo away

“Ben? Are you okay?” a concerned voice asks

I pull in a deep breath and open my eyes, cautious, fearful, but this time all I see is the dirty-blonde–haired reflection of my sister and s

“We have to go You’re not even dressed Do you want me to pick out your clothes?”

I shake htestI can feel her stare, but let the weight of it pummel me before I shift ive me a minute to jump in the shower and I’ll be ready”

I catch sight of the pain in her eyes She hastily turns to leave, then pauses but doesn’t twist around as she says, “Okay The limo is here, but I’ll wait for you in the kitchen”

I want to say so else but I can’t I’m not sure what I’d say anyway Maybe that I’one and nothing I say is going to change that fact I stand here knowing I have to pullin the ain, I breathe slowly and finally, breath by breath, the spinning fades just as the hallucinations did

The large red double doors that lead us into St Mary’s Church feel heavier than they ever have I must have opened theht about the color It’s the color of apples, the color of blood, but when doors are painted red they are supposed to syiveness, and reconciliation Now as I pass them I have to wonderdoes that apply to everyone? Even those of us whose souls are ravaged?

The sanctuary is filled with people, which is no surprise because una Everyone loved and adored her and she felt the sarabher down the aisle As alk to the reserved pew in the front, I notice the array of flowers that line the altar and wonder if Serena sent soht of it

I haven’t been to church in so long that when I kneel andthe row, it feels foreign, strange even, but natural at the sa ht Catechisood Catholic boy and tried to secure this bysure that the sacrahts of baptisood Catholic boys So I guess that races necessary to live a truly holy life I try not to laugh out loud at the thought because the life I have been leading does anything but follow the straight and narrow path

Organ music fills the church and Serena starts to cry When she dabs her eyes with a crumpled tissue, I reach into my pocket and hand her a white hankie that used to be our mother’s “Use this”

She stares at it for the longest tis more tears to her eyes My father’s initials, LBC—Lucas Benjaton—are scripted across the corner in navy blue block letters

“Where did you get this?” she asks quietly

“I found it on the floor in the fao” I don’t tell her it was the day I was supposed to pick her up and go to the funeral hoements But since I was late, she had left without me I don’t need to point out to her what a mess I am She can see it

I just can’t seeether no matter how hard I try

“I thought I’d lost it,” she says squeezing it tightly in her clenched fingers

Suddenly someone leans forward and places a hand on Serena’s shoulder When I see the large pearl ring emblazoned with dialance at her She’s dressed in black, like all of us, and she’s wearing her pearls Next I survey the row, the people sitting with her, him, his brother, and then I notice his sister, S’belle My eyes dart to her I want to say I’ black, but rather a dark green dress with old chains around her neck and I think, rebel I always got that vibe froe, makes her way across the pew, I’m forced to shift my eyes away She nods at me with a sympathetic look, which is more than I would have expected fro back, I’m not sure why since we both only ever wanted as best for Dahl Then it hitsthat I wasn’t as best for Dahl

Caleb, my best friend since I was seven, and really the only friend I have left, is the last person to enter the church and he takes a seat besidemy shoulder as he does