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Gavin

Chapter 1 – The List

Can someone die from a severe case of blue balls?

Yep, that just happened I just typed that exact phrase into the Google search engine

My le She told me it was the devil I’m twenty-five years old and I still don’t listen to my mother

According to Wiki, the answer is NO Just, no Period The end No explanation whatsoever You would think the person answering these questions could have elaborated just a little bit Like, “No You cannot die frothis question? You do realize your internet history can and will be seen by everyone you know at soht?”

Note to self: delete internet history I need to consult my mom on this I believe I came across a contract between her and o …

You’re probably wondering why I’m curious if so how in the hell I can possibly be twenty-five years old when just yesterday I was four I know, it’s a tough pill to s I’m not a foul-mouthed, cute little kid anymore I’m now a foul-mouthed, cute adult I take after ht sound conceited to you, but oh well I’uys who are all “A, shucks You really think I’? Naaaaah, I’m just me”

Fuck that

I walked around foraboutit when people say I’ comfortable ho I am

So anyhere e? Oh, right Penis Blue balls Death by blue balls There’s only one reason for le question: Charlotte Gilmore The most beautiful wohter of , dark brown hair, big gorgeous brown eyes, and a body that takes e, we grew up together I’ve been told that we used to take baths together ere little Obviously the ti iet her to seeother than a friend The kiss of death The “friend” curse

It’s all her fault that I even have blue balls, although to be honest, I really shouldn’t bla me extreme pain She has no idea that every time I’m within three feet of her my penis perks up like aMeerkat Manor in net and she’s a hot piece of steel As soon as she walks into a rooins and I feel like I have to hold on tight to sogrunting and hu dog in heat when it co and she just wants to be friends I feel bad for h life I lovethe shaft Ha! See what I did there?

Anyway, I knohat you’re thinking Who doesn’t love their penis? But this is serious, yo My mom still tells me stories about when I was a little boy and how much I talked aboutmy mother to public events for fear she’ll tell everyone the story about how I got my first boner to Barney the Dinosaur Do you have any idea howpurple dinosaur Why couldn’t I be nor like all my friends? To this day, when I see a dinosaur, no , my penis instantly retracts itself up inside my body in fear Even my penis is ashamed

So, anyhere was I? Oh yeah, uys think about their penises a lot Maybe I’d feel better about this obsession if I had soirls All of irls And yet, I still go hoht and touch my own penis

Okay, I don’t touch it every night That’s overkill Maybe once a week

Okay FINE! Every other night I think the proble I grew up dreaood at it, and II’ve only been out of college for a few years

As some of you know, e chain of bakeries around the world She taught s in chocolate I always kneould go into the faot older, and I did No, not that fa down for this? Maybe you should be sitting down I, Gavin Ellis, aest sex toy stores in the world I ot to mention that the chain of bakeries my mom owns is connected to a chain of adult toy stores called Seduction and Snacks Charlotte’s mom, Liz, owns that side of the business

So, while I don’t actually work in a store selling dildos, I’e of the entire product develople ite the fact thata wole toy everthe in a bar flirting with a chick and see the look on her face when you tell her you touch rubber penises all day They all think I’ to just whip a dildo out of my back pocket and chase her around the room with it That only happened once, and I was really drunk I swear